Who Would Have Thought

Weapon of individual destruction.

I went for my first classes two days ago. In between classes, there was a violent thunderstorm of Wuthering Heights proportions, so to pass the time I called my brother.

Me: Hi Ben. Bla bla bla.

Ben: There's a storm here.

Me: Here too.

Ben: Did you know that you can get electrocuted if you're on the phone in a thunderstorm?

Me: I have never heard such rubbish in my life. Also, I'm indoors.

Ben (ominously): It doesn't matter! You're not safe anywhere! It happens every year. Mum wants to talk to you.

Mum: Hi sweetie. Bla bla bl -- (suddenly cut off)

Jeng jeng jeng

I call the house phone.

Me: Did Mum get struck by lightning?

Ben: No. BUT that does not mean she might not have been.

(Apparently, my brother is right!)

UM what?

Lots of stuff happened last week, but the only thing I felt was relevant was that I am supposed to be starting my masters of english lit at UM (or reading english lit. hur hur hur. sounds so nice).

EXCEPT THAT although I start classes today and I have been assured by the faculty and the website that I have in fact been accepted, I have received zero communication from UM's Institute of Graduate Studies. No mail, emails or calls. So I haven't registered because I don't know what the heck to do next.

And the ironic part? I interviewed IGS last month and they talked about how efficient they are. NOW THAT'S FUCKING IRONIC for people out there who don't know what irony means (or maybe it would be more ironic if it had been about how competent they are). And this is just one shitty thing in a whole bunch of shitty things happening. Small shitty things tend to accumulate and become a big shitty ball of shittiness.

So I will call up IGS and ask them what they're going to do to fix it. Most likely nothing, because the concept of accountability and work responsibility seems to be alien within the government admin levels. Why are they always so resentful and defensive all the time? Yeah, yeah. Everyone is smarter than you. Whose fault is that? Not mine. I'm your customer, and I'm effing paying you for an education. It's not fucking free and neither is UM paying me to study there.

Somebody please explain to me how UM became the top rated public uni in Malaysia when they can't even be bothered to tell their students that they've been accepted?

The Games

The Hunger Games trailer sucked. It was like watching starfish copulating - you know that it's supposed to be fascinating but it doesn't look like anything's happening to you.

In the trailer Jennifer Lawrence is running through some trees. Really, really exciting stuff. Running, trees, some 'running' camera angles, trees, shoots an arrow. Yeah, this is totally how I imagined the book would be in live action.

What the fuck is running through trees supposed to symbolise? And also, screw you casting director. All I can see when I'm supposed to see Katniss is a well-endowed blonde. I don't care if she dyed her hair, SHE STILL LOOKS BLONDE. god.damn.

Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen
Oh My God, it actually looks like Katniss! Half-starved, dirty, tanned, slightly exotic looking!

Jennifer Lawrence
Wait...what? Hey fuck you, photoshop.

On an unsimilar note, I just read Ender's Game. It is part of my attempt to educate myself in sci-fi classics. Or 'classics', depending. Despite winning this and that writing award, Ender's Game wasn't particularly impressive, especially if you compare it to the world-building in Neuromancer - I didn't understand half of it, but it was awesome and confusing. And coherent, if that makes sense. There isn't a strong sense of a world in EG, more like, this is this-a-way and that is that-a-way and you don't need to know all that stuff because you're not smart enough to understand it. But I need good world-building to believe a story, especially if that story reminds of, like, a space episode of Sweet Valley Twins and Friends. Or an Anne McCaffrey escapist episode.

Actually yeah. Orson Scott Card's writing reminds me a lot of McCaffrey's.

In fact, I think this is the alternate cover for Ender's Game.

The premise of a boy genius is also explored in Martian Time-Slip (Philip K Dick), but it is handled way differently. In EG, everything is so neat and cliche. Ender isn't allowed to trust anyone or make friends because he won't be a good commander if he does. This does not seem to bother him much. The book SAYS it bothers him, but it doesn't really seem like it. And all he does is train and push his subordinates and be freaking perfect all the time. He only passes out once because of this. So who is this kid, Jesus Christ?

Sorry Ender, there's only one eleven year old Jesus Christ
...wait, is that Jessica Alba?

The whole book sort of coasts along from school school to battle school to command school, every one of which Ender excels at. He is the most perfect of perfect students ever to attend these places. Hating Ender is unfair -he can't help being brilliant and only seven (WTF. I just +10 years, because tell me which seven y/o speaks in complete sentences?). Not beating Ender is normal - don't worry, he beats everyone and is super noble about it. Hey Ender, turn left, go straight and die can or not? Bleeding insufferable twat.

Also, I may be prejudiced because I discovered the writer is an anti-gay Mormon. Which is interesting because I had asked the Plum whether the personal views of an author would affect the choice of us reading his/her work. And I thought that since I knew what Card thought of gays and all that, yet I still read the book, I felt that it did not really affect me.

But now I am thinking, am I more willing to believe that it is Card's shallow word-building and Marty Stu main character that makes me unable to connect to the book, or had I, however small and subconsciously, already considered disliking the book from the beginning, or at the ending when I found out he was a Mormon?

I do not know, but my opinion is that all Scientologists are mad.

Irrelevant, just like the last sentence.

Ally

...got married last Saturday, the 20th of August. The couple were so in love I would have gagged had I not known and loved them. And it was so great to see everyone again.

Thanks for letting us be a part of your big day :).

The Dust Has Only Just Begun To Fall

On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
Then the saint turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised

Even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
even though you've lost your mind

Now there's gravel in our voices
glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you always win
even when I'm right

'Cos you feed me fables from your head
with violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
are what keeps me satisfied

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
'till the wars are going up
in smoke with all our memories
-Skylar Grey

Sounds like a marriage I once knew

:)

xkcd.

Follow

I think it's very hard to believe in someone who says do a certain thing and in return I will do what I should be doing regardless whether or not you do that certain thing.

For example, Don't wear that dress and I'll take you out. Or, Agree with everything I do, and I'll love you.

Or Don't defy me, and I will lead you.

But I think that all responsibility, including leading and loving, should be unconditional. You do it because you must, because you have been entrusted with someone, or many people.

The fact that you need to place arbitrary conditions on it...that means you shouldn't have that responsibility in the first place.

In Other Words, I'd Like To Be Emma Dalgliesh

Yesterday I was asked what I would like to do had I not have to think of money.

I came up with some balderdash about how I'd like to write and travel and do charity work, which, at that time, I believed was completely true.

Like Angelina Jolie, except literate and sane.

Sounds nice what.

But when I went back and started to think about it (as one is apt to do once one has answered the question and has no recourse. What are you going to do? Send an email saying, sorry, you know that question you asked? I want to change my answer after further consideration. Pooh).

And I decided that at the moment, what I would like to do if I didn't have to worry about money or reality or whatever, is to teach literature at a university. And since we're in an ideal world, I'd be teaching to a class of interested students. And then I'll go home and do my own writing.

And I'd still travel, but by myself or with sugarplum. For my own memories. And I'd do some charity work. But no starving children. Or homeless people. Or old people. Or really sick people. Or people with no country. Or anyone in a sad situation that I can't do anything to change that will just make me hate humanity.

Maybe I'll just stick to the SPCA then. I like animals better than most people anyway.

The Simple Minded Cat and His Inability to Behave Normally

When my mother first moved down, she was asked by her new employer to catsit. Since no one says no to their employer, we were saddled with two more animals in the house in addition to two (at that time) bunnies, Missy the Cat and a teenage boy.

The cats were very big and had shiny coats. One was a handsome orange fellow and the other was white with a body the size of a briefcase and a tiny head.

The white one refused to come out of the cat carrier while the handsome one happily whored himself out to all who would pet him (shameless behaviour he still practices now).

Come out, we said to the white cat. We won't hurt you. Maybe Missy will, but she is the size of your foreleg. Eventually the owner bodily dragged the cat from the carrier and placed it in the outside world where it promptly hid in some dark corner.

What is wrong with that cat? Why is it so weird and neurotic?
Oh, says the owner. Don't mind him. He was stuck in a washing machine when he was younger.
0_________________________________________O

Apparently being run through a washing cycle makes you retarded as well as intensely shy.
The white cat, Lunares (also called Charley but from now on known as the Simple Minded Cat or SMC) was simply incapable of living together with Missy or, well, any other living thing.

SMC: Let's be friends!
Missy: Fuck off.
SMC: Friends! Friends! Friends! FRIENDS! FRIENDS! FRIENDS!FRIENDS FOREVERRRRRRRR!
Missy: *Claws his face*
SMC: *Stunned look* Friends?

And this exchange happened several times, with small variations. He tried it on us while we slept, because he was too afraid to make friends with humans while we were awake. He would climb on our beds and scream FRIENDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! in our ears until we threw him out. He hid in cupboards and covered clothes with thick white fur. He threw up occasionally because that's just what he did. He was socially and physically awkward.

Even my crippled bunny was never such a pain in the arse. Yet we all felt sorry for Simple Minded Cat because of his traumatic past (although I vehemently do not condone the use of 'traumatic past' in excusing shitty human behaviour), because he was just a helpless kitten at the time. And although he was now the size of a very large beagle, he had not seemed to have any brain growth past the kitten stage when he came out of the washing machine.

He was a hopeless wreck.

Stay tuned for Part Two of the Simple Minded Cat. If I ever write it.

Sonnet 116

I will not be a rock in the path of streams
Flowing to a river. A love is not whole
Which lives only in foolish dreams
Or wades through storms for nought.
No, it is a stubborn child
Clinging to its mother in a watery grave
A father watching the night
Hope's faithful slave
That cannot be numbered in longing's worth
Time has no hand upon love, though the image wanes
And the warping of age comes too soon
Love clings at the depths of the ocean heart,
Bearing out even to the edge of doom.
If love proves to be less than all these
Then I am a fool, and should be drowned for it.

And Then There Were Two

Best love story ever.

The Only Good Thing About This Movie is Micheal Fassbender

X-Men: First Class. Let me tell you how I felt when I first heard this news. I thought, Oh, which first class will they choose? The one that perished on Krakoa? The one that everyone knows: Jean Grey, Scott Summers, Hank McCoy, Bobby Drake and WWIII? Or would they base it on the animated series that made up much of my Saturday mornings?

Now I realise I was being over-optimistic. Of course! I watched the trailers and knew the movie would suck. The timeline was wrong. The characters were wrong. It was all wrong.

But I would still watch it, because what kind of X-Men fan would I be if I did not watch it, regardless of how horrendous and spitworthy it is?

Spitworthiness:

1. Cheese. So much cheese. I could have brought nachos and had enough protein to put on it just from the bromance between Charles and Erik. Everyone is so cute and chirpy and all-together- now. It's so cheesy all the goop makes me numb to the fact that the mutant issue was supposed to be a reflection of the AIDS epidemic. But screw that right. It was like watching The Famous Five With Superpowers.

Tastier than watching First Class

2. Sorry but this: Banshee wasn't Irish (Then why choose Banshee? If he was American wouldn't he have just called himself Sonic?). Angel was in the New X-Men. Mystique was certainly never part of the founding X-Men team. Wrong Summers brother (TWO of them were in either founding team and they had to choose the one who wasn't). Darwin (just. WTH). I saw no purpose to the agent being named Moira McTaggert. You could have named her Lorna Dane or Maria Hill and it would have made no difference.

I thought casting was important. But I guess he'll grow into it.

3. Is this X-Men or White-Men? Because they got rid of the two non-white characters pretty quickly, what with Darwin dying (I'm sorry, but wasn't his power, like, not dying?) and Angel switching sides. Everyone is white. It's boring.

What do you mean I'm not part of the main cast? I'm in the original First Class dammit!

4. Sometimes I didn't know whether I was watching a co-ed version of Mallory Towers or a 'serious' movie. The preciousness of the 'teens' was jarring in comparison to the so-called heavy issues this movie was supposedly handling. Also, I hate preciousness and a more awkward and chemistry-less bunch of young adults I haven't yet seen.

5. January Jones. Everyone's complained about it so why shouldn't I? As Emma Frost she's about as sexy and titillating as llama spit. And I don't understand why they even put her in her diamond form because a. it was a secondary mutation that didn't appear until the destruction of Genosha and b. it was obviously just for show because Jones, unlike McAvoy, doesn't look smart enough to be a telepath. Am I starting to look vacant? DIAMOND FORM! There is only so much squinty eyes the woman can convincingly do.

This is sexy.

This is awkward.

6. Are they following the main Marvel timeline or the Ultimates? If Ultimates, I know nothing of it and cannot comment. If main, then the timeline is irritating. An obvious example:
Here, Emma Frost is the subservient partner to Shaw while in normal time she is dating Scott Summers. Is Scott Summers even born yet in this movie? And is this completely separate from the previous X-Men movies? I thought this was supposed to be a 'prequel' of sorts. But in Wolverine, Emma made an appearance, same age as Cyclops, and the Prof was in a wheelchair. I don't understand.

7. It's just a movie. Why am I nitpicking? I should just sit back and enjoy it. Sorry. If they wanted to make a movie about a bunch of superpowered hotties, they could have gone The Incredibles route and created their own characters. The characters I see in this movie are so far from their original purpose so as not to be relevant to the actual character they are based on. Which to me makes the whole movie pointless. Don't make a movie based on a franchise and expect people to have no expectations.

Hugworthy:

1. Micheal Fassbender (except in the end scene. corn to go with the cheese, please).

Nevertheless, my brother who also felt as I did when we first saw First Class did assure me that the movie gets better after you watch it again.

Bali

I went to Bali in May, together with Seth. It was amazing. The food was great, the people were nice, and I got proposed to.

I took a lot of pictures driving from the airport to Ubud, because I am such a jakun. But I enjoyed being a tourist. Sort of. (Are you still considered a tourist-tourist if it's just next door? I like to think so).

When we got to our rooms, we were positively in awe. You're so used to rooms just being rooms in a building that when you get the lower floor of a small villa (which is a room, as it were) it's so nice. Plus we overlooked a small plot of sawah padi. So rustic.

By the way, this is probably the only place on earth I didn't live in constant fear of getting mugged. After our tour guide showed up (he turned out to be a replacement tour guide and I was convinced he was an impostor who was going to drive us to a secluded place, rob us of our belongings and throw our remains into some jungle river) and he did none of the things I mentioned, and was also very polite, I figured it was going to be pretty okay. And it was!

The food there was delicious, or maybe it was the Holiday Stomach thing. But the pork ribs at Nury's Naughty were ridiculously delicious. When I came back I was sad for awhile because I couldn't seem to eat the same amount as I did in Bali, and with similar relish. This means the only way I can put on weight is through regular travelling ahahaha.

We went to so many temples, now that I look at the photos the only I recognise is Tanah Lot. And Besakih, because I look like I'm trying not to kick the guide who is taking our pictures in the balls. That would be because Besakih is a rip off. I'm still upset we had to pay rm 150 for a 'blessing'. My Sunday collections at church don't even amount to that much annually! Will my god engage his god in a smackdown? We shall see.

The markets were just as I had hoped they would be - lots of paintings! Admittedly Seth and I need to brush up on our haggling skills.

Seth: It's okay, they need to feed their children.

HAH.

And on the last day, we had cold stone creamery ice cream. It was the most delicious ice cream I had ever tasted in my life. Truth. Peanut butter and Oreo and milky yummy ice cream (i forgot what flavour. Probably butterscotch or something. The peanut butter shines clearly in my mind though).

Ah happy days !

Part of the amazing view from our villa-room.

We ended up eating Italianish food on our first night. Food there rocks!

One of the temples around Tanah Lot.

Civet cat. Want! Look at his cute smiley eyes!

Not-kicking-guide-in-nuts face

<3!

*sigh*

Not In The Flesh

I went to BookeXcess and promptly vomited out a hundred bucks for 8 books. Man, I love that place.

In a desire to make myself more productive, I swore to review every book I had bought once I had read them. First up is Not in the Flesh, A Wexford Novel.

Wexford, if you don't know, is Kingsmarkham's Chief Inspector. He's old and intelligent and fat and quite aware of all his shortcomings. The series sort of shows how he changes slowly from an almost unbearable know-it-all prig to a wiser, more sympathetic character (and by slowly I mean this series is more than 40 years old and only now is Wexford making an effort in drinking wine rather than drowning in beer for his health).

Dalgliesh when he was young (according to me)

That's the thing about these super long running series' like Dalgliesh and Wexford; things of course change, his own personality evolves, and the main character feels the encroachment of modernity, the cultural influences of the immigrants, the introduction of kids-these-days as characters. Sometimes I don't like it because I'm the type who likes things to stay the same forever but it's necessary to the relevancy of the book.

NITF opens up with an unidentified skeleton in a field owned by a really irritating and bitter old guy. Wexford and a new character, Hannah, investigate. Even the pathologist is new! *sob* Half the book goes on while Wexford, Hannah and Burden (his trusty and sharply dressed sidekick) try to figure out who exactly the body is.

And then another body shows up in the abandoned bungalow on the same field. Basically everyone's crying 'Potter's Field' and then Kay Scarpetta is brought in. Kidding. They get a lead from a newspaper that has printed excerpts from a book about a girl whose father went missing at about the same time one of the skeletons was thought to have popped its clogs.

The rest of it is mostly them interviewing the neighbours that abutt the field, and that is usually the best part. The characters are always so interesting, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes sympathetic. It's so much fun just reading crime because the people involved become studies of character - depending on the writer la of course.

There's also a side story about the Somali community that has been growing in Kingsmarkham, and Wexford's daughter's involvement in awareness about female circumcision that is apparently still practiced by the community that had come to the UK.

Rendell's books are usually sympathetic, with sympathetic and/or pathetic characters. As Barbara Vine, her books can be a bit too depressing for me to enjoy, but in Wexford you have a character that, though involved, will come out in the end untouched by the human miseries and horribleness that abound as the story unfolds.

Nothing Beats the Ringgit

I'm giving Ben away. For reals this time. The bunny, not my brother. So I put him up on Petfinder. At first I was so guilty about it, I was going to give him away for free. After half a dozen calls asking whether they could pick up the cute bunny immediately, I realised I had missed my target audience: responsible people (quite unlike myself).

After much complaining, I was advised by Mum and the Oracle to place an adoption fee to make sure that not every Tom Dick and Harry would be calling to get their paws on my sensitive little critter, and so I did.

Aside from one message accusing me of being insincere for charging money, it went well in rooting out the fluff. So I had two candidates over for a viewing. First was a cute Indon student and her entourage. She had cared for bunnies before and didn't seem to mind that Ben was antisocial and kind of a prick.

The other was a family whose matriarch had insisted on seeing the bunny. I felt bad, and so agreed to let her come.

DING DONG

Me: *Opens door to see five people standing outside* Er. Come in.

CHECKING OUT CUDDLY BUNNY

Me: So, he's not very friendly (might as well be honest) but he lets you hold him and he doesn't poop everywhere unlike the cripple there.

Woman: OMG SO CUTE *grabs bunny* So can we take him now???

Me: Uh. Okay. You're okay with the adoption fee?

Woman: There's an adoption fee? I thought you were giving it to me for free.

Me: *what the...* Did you not read the ad?

Woman: Ha ha ha. Yes, but I messaged you and said I preferred it without the fees.

Me: *O RLY??* Well, it's a hundred bucks. And he only eats this expensive food.

SHOWS NUMMY BUNNY FOOD

Woman: Would you take fifty for the bunny? Ha ha ha.

Me: Er. No. Coz I don't want people who can't afford to bring him to the doctor in case he has one of his paranoid constipation moments.

Woman: You know, we came so far. All the way from Puchong (WOW.PUCHONG.DAMN FAR WEI), and we picked up the kids from Klang to come all the way here. Don't you feel sorry for us?

Me: *WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING??* Okay...

Woman: We promise to take gooood care of it. And take it to the vet in case of life threatening illnesses.

Me: Let me talk to my mum (because I have no spine).

WITH MUM

Mum: Just tell them no.

Me: But Maaaaaaaaaaa...so kesian.

Mum: Kesian for what? If they can't afford to pay adoption fees how are they going to take care of him?

Me: :(

Mum: Fine. Be a pussy. Ask them for 75 then.

OUTSIDE

Ben (the brother):*whisper* Dude. You can't give Ben to them. I can't believe she keeps asking you to give it to her for free.

Me: Okay Woman. I can give it to you for 75.

Woman: 75? That's so much. You might as well give it to us for 50. Ha ha ha.

Me: No.

Woman: Why don't you give it to us for free? Can't you see we're wonderful people who will love, respect and cherish this soft toy...I mean living creature? I messaged you about not wanting the fees and you replied.

Me: Sorry.

Woman: Okay, we have rm 70. See, I even had to ask my children. Ha ha ha. Don't you feel sorry for us? So I'll give you 70, okay?

Me: Sorry, it's 75.

Woman: It's only 5 bucks.

Me: *Yeah, but I don't like you* No. There's an ATM across the street though.

Woman: Ha ha ha. But we'll have to drive out. It's far! And then we'll have to turn back again. It's too much trouble.

Me: *Kind of speechless* So do you want the bunny or not?

Woman: No.

THEY LEAVE

For some reason I felt insulted. I felt like me and my bunny had been disrespected. I can't say I love Ben with all my heart and will only let the second coming of Mother Teresa adopt him but I surely don't want people who, for some reason I can't explain, don't seem like they care about his wellbeing aside from him looking cute.

I was bitching to my brother about how she had come here with no cash, KNOWING there was an adoption fee, expecting me to give it to her for free. What am I running, a charity for used clothes? Then I realised she was the same woman who had accused me for being insincere and that made me even more upset.

TEN MINUTES LATER

DING DONG

Woman: Okay, we'll give you 65 ringgit and 10 Brunei dollars.

Potato Nommies

Ever since my mother and brother moved in, I have found one benefit. I'm learning how to cook. You know how people like to say, 'Oh it must be nice to have home-cooked food now that your mum's staying with you!'?

NUH-UH.

My response (in my mind la, coz I don't want to embarrass my mum): 'Yes it is nice that I have to teach myself to cook so as to have edible, unburnt food to eat.'

Okay, my mum's food isn't that bad. Just don't compare it to your mum's food. But this situation is rather frustrating because a. the allowance previously used for eating out and frolicking has now gone to household groceries, so I don't actually have a choice to eat out all the time and b. I'm not that great a cook.

When I say not that great, I mean I sometimes forget to put salt in the dishes.
But I have discovered that the food I cook best are the ones that come with recipes. The best meal so far I've had was the Potato Gnocchi (thanks to the Amazing Potatoes). Gnocchi is the easiest thing in the world.

1. Boil however many potatoes you want to turn into gnocchi. Make sure it's the yummy, sweet baking potatoes and not the local midget potatoes that are only acceptable drowned in kari ikan pari.

2. Prepare some flour, egg yolk (one is usually enough unless there's more than, er, 8 people?), salt and pepper.

3. Mash the potatoes.

4. Mix in flour, egg and salt and pepper. About the flour, just mix in however much until the mixture just holds together. It's not cengkodok so you don't have to drown it in flour.

5. Roll it into a long thin sausage and cut about 1.5 inch (I took out a ruler to measure. Actually any size also can, as long as they're uniform so they can cook together) pillows of gnocchi.

6. Boil water. Throw in little gnocchis. Wait for them to rise to the surface and then scoop them out.

TA DA GNOCCHI.

Boiled gnocchi with any sauce is okay, but fried gnocchi is better.

7. Fry chopped up prawns. Fry gnocchi. Serve together.

See. So easy. They can be refridgerated (refrigerated? referigerated? ?????), but don't keep it for more than two days.

Trust me.

Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon

Reasons why you should buy a physical book - you can see the cover

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF I thought I downloaded TRUDI CANAVAN ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And I only realised something was wrong after like page 200.

Oh God.

The Juiciest Chicken Wings

As promised (to myself) I will review a book a week. The book I choose to review today, I actually read like weeks ago. So some details may not be clear and others may be wrong since a. I have a magnificiently bad memory and b. I'm very emotional about books.

So the book has nothing to do with chicken wings, I just feel like eating wings today. But the book IS called The Hunger Games, so maybe food is relevant.

I picked up The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins because I had downloaded Adobe Digital Editions and then got all excited and downloaded a bunch of books, many of which were the Wild Card books of George R R Martin. I mention this because, well, the Wild Card books are very much a guilty pleasure (although the recent ones are actually good and all of it deals with the usual superpowered-people issues - discrimination and lack of acceptance by people who don't want to accidentally have their arms chopped off by the friendly neighbourhood precocious kid).

And so I expected The Hunger Games, which have been generating a huge buzz due from its possible film due to its popularity, to be more or less like that - or even worse, like a sparkly, apocalyptic version of Twilight.

Luckily I was wrong on every count, and after the fifth page I almost cried because it had been so long since I have read a well written book where I do not know the author personally (Ahaha. I'm looking at you Neil. And Greg).

The Hunger Games is set - in North America, I think - in a post-apocalyptic world, where the populace is divided into numbered districts that cater to a specific economic area (eg District 7 does lumber, District 11 is agriculture). They are more or less ruled (or dictatored? tyrannised?opressed?) by the Capitol, who feeds off all of the Districts to fuel the decadent lifestyles of their residents. Just to remind everyone who the big shit is, the Capitol holds the annual Hunger Games, where two child participants from each district (there are 12) are thrown into an 'arena' to fight, scheme or manipulate others until all die except one.

Our protagonist, Katniss, is from District 12, the poorest of all districts. I liked the book because I liked Katniss. She wasn't particularly nice, she was kind of moronic at times, she did what she had to and I felt like she did a minimum amount of whining in comparison to other YA heroines.

So Katniss, through a sad twist of fate, ends up in the Hunger Games with Peeta Mellark, who I am kind of in love with. Because he is just that lovable. At first they are adversaries in teh ring, but due to a twist in the rules that allow two candidates from the same district to win (thanks somewhat to Peeta's brilliant PR manipulation), they end up working together.

Along the way, Katniss does several things that the Capitol percieves as rebellious. And they do not like rebels. They are the Big Shit, and they murder children for fun, so no one is allowed to have a difference of opinion lest they come and destroy your pet goat in the middle of the night. And she eventually realises that she has become something of a rebel symbol because of her knack of doing things in ways that the Capitol would not expect.

GOATS BEWARE

The Hunger Games are like the hugest deal each year in the Capitol, so there are a lot of people around to ensure there are no fuckups. Which means everyone should die, and in the most dranatic way if possible. Throughout their stint in the arena, the Tributes have cameras following them constantly. And this is how the people's reaction to Peeta and Katniss is manipulated, to the point that in the end, the Capitol has to rescind its order to allow both tributes from a single district to live - because the dynamic duo have become too dangerous.

wtf.

Blah blah. I liked the book because it engaged my feelings - I felt for Peeta, and Katniss and even that other guy whose name I can't recall. I didn't cry reading this or any of the other HG books, despite avowals by other readers that only people with hearts of grotty ceramic will not collapse in a storm of tears at this or this page. But I was moved, and I felt an urgency despite knowing that there are 2 other books to this. There were even CONSEQUENCES! I always feel like the book is a sham the moment the characters never have to deal with consequences. I was worried if Peeta and Katniss would survive (preferably Peeta), and I could believe that the HG could be used as a device for the rebellion forces.

The book isn't perfect of course. Katniss, despite being an all around female dick, turns out to have a voice that silences the birds. Fortunately this only comes out once or twice, and maybe I'm just cynical about heroines who have that one great talent that blows everyone out of the water - especially prissy stuff like singing, or painting, or being irresistable to everyone (is that even a talent?). And also, Peeta keeps saying 'You don't understand the effect you have on people,". I'm like WHAT EFFECT?? That of an (understandably) unhappy, disagreeable teenage girl? It's also never explained and gets irritating in the later books. But that's all, I think.

Maybe I am still in shock that this book exceeded my expectations of a regular, cliche I Am Number Four type of novel and even dealt with some pretty gory stuff, but I would totally recommend this book. It was well written, with interesting characters and CONSEQUENCES (yay).

True Love

Seth once again attempting to give me directions:

Seth says:

this is frm pelangi damansara to lobsterman PJ. rem tht restaurant?

_false_ says:

lobsterman sells lobsters!

Seth says:

obviously....

_false_ says (defensively):

i didnt know okay

Seth says:

the tien pin is just down the road from lobsterman

_false_ says:

i thought it was just some fancy seafood place

Seth says:

the name is LOBSTERMAN

_false_ says:

it's funny what! could have been a novelty name!

Seth says (in disbelief):

how much more obvious do you want it to be

_false_ says:

(_I_) *fart*

Seth says:

lies. girls dont fart

The Abject Misery of Soullessness

We try to stop feeling hurt.
But in the end we just stop feeling.

Do You?

I heard there was

a secret chord

That David played

and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care

for music,

do you?

I Am Completely Unimpressed

This is a review of I Am Number Four, the teen alien book that for some reason has been made into a movie that I may or may not watch.

First off, there are two reason's why I read it. Seth had it lying around, and I had a Wiki-adventure (one of those things that occur when you click on one thing which brings you to another and then so on to something else entirely) which led me to James Frey's page (the guy who co-authored the book. Also the guy who wrote A Million Litte Pieces, Oprah's favourite book for a shile) and these links:

http://nymag.com/arts/books/features/69474/

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/11/read_the_brutal_contract_from.html

Now that the guy was established as a prick, OF COURSE I was curious about how he would go from serious "memoir" writing to what is basically teenage crap. I mean. You'd think someone like that would think too highly of himself to write adolescent drivel.

Of course I was all prejudiced when I read the book. I was expecting something better than your regular Twilight photocopy. Well, it failed; but fortunately in failing, it has given me something to bitch about.

This book, in my personal opinion, is a waste of time. It sounds so generic, so factory-churned out I felt guilty that I helped buy a book that allowed the 50% per cent discount that convinced Seth to pick it up for fun.

It felt a bit like I gave someone the shoe that kicked a puppy. There are...I think four main characters. None of them have any personality or character. What they have is defining traits. Eg, Sam wears his father's glasses, and is a nerd. What are the things he cares about? What are his fears? He has nothing to him except what is necessary to advance the plot. And this is true for all the characters. All. Of. Them. I use the same test Plinkett uses for The Phantom Menace (see here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI).

Characterisation is even more important in storybooks, where you can't see this person and they can't be defined by how they look - only how you imagine they look. Saying 'She was a caring person' isn't the same as writing out an action that shows how caring she is. It's hard to imagine.

TLDR: The characters lack character.

It uses a tired old storyline. Absolutely nothing new. Basically Four and his Giles moves to a new town (they are constantly on the move from the Bad Aliens hunting them down), falls in love, gets superpowers, insists on staying because he's in love when the Bad Aliens find him and his Watcher...I meant Keeper. Guardian? He stays and fights, and like a dipshit, realises he made the wrong decision after his Giles, Henri, dies.

I hate storylines like that because they assume two things:

1. That you, the reader, would believe that this boy, one of only nine of his kind, would put the safety of his Guardian, himself AND the continued existence of his race to get some blonde nooky. And you know what's worst? That AFTER HENRI DIES, THE LITTLE DBAG DECIDES IT IS SAFER TO LEAVE AFTER ALL. W.T.F.

Don't you hate characters like that? They don't make any sense, and when they finally do, you are so incredulous you want to kick them in the face.

2. That you, the reader, are so used to the absolute garbage that is written for teenagers these days that you would not feel insulted that the amount of thought and caring put into this writing and presented to you is this much: A Duck's Fart.

This book is equivalent to going to a restauraunt you heard has a pretty good but controversial chef, ordering their most popular dish and being served KFC. Only blander and with no crunch.

Like this, but not Epic.

Also, not like this, sadly.

Jellybinion

Jellybinion

(jl-bnyn)

1. Edible minions that come in a variety of flavours and colours.

+



=
Jellybinion!

FAQ

What are Jellybinions for?

Jellybinions fulfil the two basic needs of society - that of food and to have an army of servile creatures to carry out your every whim.

Who are Jellybinions for?

Jellybinions would be an excellent accessory for supervillains, superheroes, people with god complexes, countries without a standing army and busy working mums.

What do Jellybinions do, exactly?

Whatever you want them to! Jellybinions can be programmed to a motherbrain, whose thought processes would be simulated and used as those of the Jellybinions. You can hook them up to yourself - or even someone else, to make sure your minions don't do the exact same stupid mistakes that you do.
Don't worry, whatever you do to your minions will not affect the motherbrain, as it is merely a simulated thought process.

So what can I do with them?

They can carry out a myriad of simple tasks, as well as more complex ones depending on the motherbrain. They can sing you to sleep, translate documents and march as your army of doom, all in a day! And if that isn't value for money, when you need snack, just grab one and munch away!*

*Don't worry, they are not sentient and therefore will feel neither pain or betrayal as you chomp away. Think of them as merely dog-sized snacks that have organisational capabilities.

Sounds cool. What flavours do these little critters come in?

We have literally a gazillion flavours - and we'd be happy to custom-make some for you as well! Someof our best sellers are Butterscotch, Peanut Butter, Bacon Bits, Steak and Cheese, and Sour Apple.

Won't Steak and Cheese look like poo?

Ahahaha! You would think so, but we have fortunately circumvented the unappetising colours by putting large amounts of food colouring into the Jellybinion's basic recipe. Some may even say that is the reason they have become animated. Haha.
If you are curious, Steak and Cheese are in fact the colour of a blonde unicorn - creamy white and bright yellow. Yums!

So they were created by accident?

That's all the time we have today for FAQs! Feel free to order your own batch of Jellybinions - they come in sets of 24, each flavour sold separately.

What? Hey, what's the texture like when you bite into them? Wait a second...do they have consciousness? How else would they know what to do? Are they capable of their own thought without the motherbrain? Are you purposely suppresing their innate abilities to make puppy-sized chew toys for humans?

Oi! Hey! Hello? Imma tell Hermione about this.

Samurai Santa and the December Dragon

Although I should be doing work right now, I felt I needed to write this down first.
I have come up with an awesome Santa myth for my future children.
Instead of some chubby dude in a sleigh on Christmas Eve, we'll have a Warrior Santa who rides in on a DRAGON on the 1st of December, bearing the first gift of the season.

Our children will be brought outside to witness Samurai Santa place the first gift under the Christmas tree, and then they will kneel and offer trays of...offerings to the warrior before he leaves (I haven't really thought it through, but I'm going with 'through the front door'). Then he'll get on his dragon and ride off into the night, but the kids can't see this part because if they catch a glimpse of the dragon they'll go blind and their goldfish will die.

Occasionally if Warrior Santa can't get out of the office in time, Ninja Santarina on her flying Pegacow will help out with the presents.

Imagine this:

Other child: So did Santa bring you lots of presents?

My Son: What are you talking about? He only brings the first present. Your parents give the rest.

Other child: Cries.

Other other child: That's not true! Santa comes to our sweltering tropical country on a sleigh powered by reindeers and drops off our presents on the night before Christmas!

My Son: Santa rides a Dragon, you nitwit. Haven't you seen him before??

Other other child: Have you?

My Son: Yeah. Yeah, I've seen Santa.

More of Note to Myself in the Future if I Once Again End Up With a Vaderlike Animal

I'm sure everyone is curious about what happened to my super-adorable bunnies Obi Wan (Ben) Kenobi and Darth Vader (I'm also pretty sure whoever reads this blog - all four of you - already know, but I'm using that line for the story's sake).

Ben is fat and Vader is crippled. They also have new nicknames: Chickenshit and EmoBunny.

I wanted to upload pics of happier times, but by the time I took the photos from Seth's laptop, Vader's condition had deteriorated so much that putting up the pics would have been false advertising.

Vader is an unfortunate victim of Swimmer's Syndrome/Splaylegs (and also useless breeders who inbreed bunnies and cause this horrible genetic problem. Bunch of twats). It affects both his back legs so that instead of curling up beneath him, they splay out.

At first Seth and I were just sad that we had a disabled critter, because he couldn't hop around and be happy like he used to be. He got depressed and moody (although not as useless and cowardly as Ben), but he seemed otherwise okay. I mean aside from the fact that he couldn't walk properly. Or clean himself. Or hop. Basically, no rabbitlike things.

But we thought we'd only have to deal with his emotional issues - as long as I kept the cage clean and just let him be, he'd be fine. Little did we know that taking no steps to alleviate his fall to the dark side would cause the uprising of the greatest evil this galaxy has ever known.

Just kidding (but I blame YOU, Natalie Portman). We soon realised that keeping a crippled bunny wasn't just a matter of being compassionate enough not to put him down or dump him when we flipped him over one day and found the fur around his butt and leg had matted together, and in some places, worn off to the skin.

The first few days, we were pretty gung ho about it, cleaning him up ourselves, making sure he didn't have poop stuck on him (which is really gross when you come to think of it, but rabbit poo is the most hygienic animal poo I have ever seen and would recommend getting a bunny just based on that). And then one day I was cleaning him while Seth was holding him and then we realised that his lower body was deformed.

I know you're thinking Duh, of course it's deformed. It's a bloody cacat rabbit isn't it?? And that would be right. But we thought it was just the legs, whereas the whole tail and lower body section had just sort of caved in into itself because the shape of the legs and hips weren't in its normal positions. And the more I looked at it, the more it freaked me out.

We were convinced his lower half would become infected by the dirt and gunk he couldn't (and we couldn't either) consistently clean off himself, and then we'd have a half-rotted bunny dragging himself around by his front paws to deal with.

DO YOU SEE THAT IN YOUR MIND'S EYE???? I ALMOST HAD A ZOMBIEFIED BUNNY!!

We then got scared and carted Vader off to the doctor's for the hundredth time (I think he recognises us). Thankfully we didn't have to do away with our little (potential) zombunny. We just had to put him in a cage with no bedding (replace it with rubber bathroom mat thingies), and bathe him twice a week.

For the next 4 to 8 years.

I suggested immediate stew, but no one wanted it on account of the pus. But having to give him bunny baths twice a week is a lot better, I think, than having to put down that sweet little rabbit (looks evilly at Chickenshit).

Throughout the whole ordeal, we ignored Ben. He didn't care, because unlike Vader, he has no personality (unless chickenshit is a personality).