I totally respect you as an actress and human being. In no way am I writing this to undermine your contributions to the movie world (e.g. you in your underwear in Lost in Translaton, in only a man's shirt in The Island and He's Just Not That Into You).
In fact, I find it very inspiring that you have managed to make a mark on the film industry at such a young age, without having to act in movies that outrightly objectified your obvious beauty, unlike Megan Fox who basically had to walk around like an unpaid prostitute in a miniskirt and cutoff top to gain worldwide status as a Hottie in Transformers.
Oh. You mean all teenagers dress like that? My bad.
Anyway. I am not condemning your angelic face, incredible hooters*, tiny waist and Botticelli hips that makes every virile male within a 50 feet radius of your image need to take a cold shower. Most people would condemn you for that, but I understand that you were born that way and can't change it.
The purpose I am writing this, Ms Johansson, is because I have heard a very unnerving rumour that you will be appearing in Iron Man II. That would be fine with me, so long as you keep your appearance to below five minutes of screen time and remember to pick up your clothes on the way out of Stark's apartment.
BUT, instead I hear that you are being considered, or in fact, have already been confirmed to play the Black Widow.
I realise that most people of your status/age/ gender don't read comic books. And yeah, I'm not a fan of comic book Iron Man myself. But that does not give you the right to earn money by screwing up the mental image thousands of comicbook fans have of a redheaded Russian spy.
Maybe if Black Widow was the Dutch Milkmaid, you would be ideal for this position.
Maybe it is not your fault that you do not look diabolically yet sexily evil. Like a Russian redhead should.
And maybe it is also not your fault that if you wear a skintight black costume, no one is going to believe that you are playing anything but dress-up precursor to turning Iron Man II into an episode of Leather Fetish Monthly (or whatever).
What I am saying is that you don't look like her, you can't look like her no matter how hard you try, and you will never be her.
It would be a disaster akin to casting Anna Paquin as Rogue, but at least the people in the cinema weren't thinking about sex everytime she pouted her lips (she saved that for True Blood); or Kirsten Dunst as MJ. Or Taylor Kitsch as Gambit.
I think I'll write a letter to him, too.
Ms Johansson, you are young and talented. You will not run out of roles for maybe, let's see, another five years. Those roles will allow you to interpret the character. If you try and interpret Black Widow, which you will because you don't read comic books (if you do, then I don't understand why you took the job. Except maybe for the paycheck. Or you wanted to be equal with your husband, Ryan Reynolds, who will be playing Wade Wilson in Origins), you will destroy her.
You won't mean to. But you will.
Not because you're not a good actress. But because you're just not the right actress.
That is all I have to say.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Me.
*Never, in normal conversation, would I use this word. Ever.
This bunny is from fuckyoupenguin.
It was too cute.
I couldn't help myself.
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