Ryan Conferido

Ryan would never yell for a girl to drop her hair out the window.

As a hairdresser, he'd understand the damage that would do to the follicles.

Today I was reading Jack and the Beanstalk and Other Stories (the illustrated version) when I realized I was Rapunzel.

Yep.

The long haired one, stuck in a tower with no sanitation and a psychotic witch for a guardian. Those things are, of course, not the things I have in common with her.

The reason why I am Rapunzel is because we share a common flaw. Our taste in men. Our standards are low at best, and non-existent otherwise.

Rapunzel is this longhaired, magically endowed hottie, cursed to sit in a tower because she is so incredibly beautiful that the insane witch who traded her from her parents didn’t want her to ever leave. In the tower, I assume she has nothing better to do except think deep philosophical thoughts about God and the meaning of life and the creation, and I bet she reads a lot too, not to mention all the knitting and weaving and chore-doing the witch would have made her do. So I figure she’s pretty smart, and talented.

So who ends up being the required prince charming for Rapunzel? Some guy who comes around her window, screaming at her to drop her hair down because he’s too lazy to use the stairs.

Asshole.

And he does this again and again.

Does it ever occur to him to defeat the evil witch and save Rapunzel from her unsanitary conditions? Nope. He’s happy taking her for granted and using her head as an anchor.

Does he ever think that maybe the next time he climbs up her hair he should bring a ladder so that both of them can climb down? Nope. He’s happy keeping her in that convenient tower, away from his wife and fifteen kids.

Does it ever occur to her to tell him to get lost? Nope.

So he’s selfish and he takes her for granted. That’s not even the best part.

When the witch finds out, she cuts off Rapunzel’s hair, tricks the prince and pushes him off the tower, into a bunch of brambles, causing him to go completely blind and therefore rendering the already useless prince completely redundant. Why? Because after the prince blindly prances off, Rapunzel escapes by herself.

By. Her. Self.

The prince was of no use whatsoever.

In fact, after awhile, Rapunzel actually stumbles upon him wandering around aimlessly because he’s blind and too arrogant to ask people to teach him Braille so that he can get a proper job, and she saves his ass by dragging him off and them living happily ever after on the evil witches vegetable farm. And of course because he’s blind she gets to do all the farmwork.

Moral of story: You should have thrown him off the tower after the first time.