The movie blew my mind. Not because it was so incredibly cool and fantastic, which it was, but because I found myself split in two. The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl and The Girl. Like so.
SPOILER ALERT
(but since all of you guys watched it before me, it doesn’t really matter does it)
The movie starts out with little Wolverine committing murder. He has a brother with fangs and icky nails. They run away together and watch each others backs for the whole opening credits.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: What? Sabretooth and Wolverine were brothers????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Who is responsible for this little piece of inconceivability??? Stupid FOX. But whoa, bone claws??????? That kinda rocks.
The Girl: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww poor little sickly James Howlett. Now he’ll have to face the world alone. With claws. And his brother. Whose actor is going to grow up to become one good looking dude.
James and Victor join an elite taskforce put together by none other than William Stryker, the ubervillain from X-Men. The taskforce consists of Wade, a super-swordsman with ex-girlfriend issues, Wraith, a teleporter, Bradley the technopath, The Blob, and Agent Zero whose superpower is being incredibly hot…I meant, not being able to miss a shot.
They take out this diamond dealer in a scene that allows everyone a show of skill, but especially Wade because swords are incredibly cool and his character is slightly important.
Then they go to Africa to look for vibranium…I mean adamantium.
Unwilling to kill anymore, Jimmy quits the team and walks off while everyone stares on looking really cool.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Huh? Stryker didn’t implant mind-controlling devices in their head? God, he must have been really young. Who’s Wraith? And who is Bradley? And Agent Zero? I don’t remember these characters. I strongly suspect they don’t exist. But wow, that scene rocked. I wanna learn to swordfight now.
The Girl: I can’t believe Wolverine just walked out on them like that. I mean, who would walk away from Daniel Henney and Ryan Reynolds? Don’t worry boys! I will cheerfully kill the citizens of a small unknown village to bask in the glory of your incredibly toned bodies and absolutely sexy abilities with weapons of murder and mayhem.
Wolverine hooks up with a hot schoolteacher named Kayla Silverfox.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Kayla who? What happened to Mariko, his ONE TRUE LOVE (besides Jean Grey)??????????????????????????????? The Woman he was going to marry, whose father played a role in Weapon X and whom he murdered and subsequently forced her to become Lady Deathstrike, hot cyborg of death? Or something like that. And Silverfox is not even a mutant? No way. She’s waaaaay too hot to not be a mutant.
The Girl: Wow she’s hot.
Stryker comes looking for him to invite him back. Viktor comes looking for him to kill him. They fight quite a lot. Jimmy ends up in the hospital. He agrees to let Stryker help him avenge his hot dead girlfriend.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: That made zero sense. Can’t Wolverine smell people lying?
The Girl: Where’s Agent Zero?
Jimmy becomes Wolverine/ Weapon X. Submerged in a container with needles still stuck into his bone, he overhears that he is about to be betrayed. He leaps out of the tank in Berserker rage and runs really fast and far away. Buck. Naked.
Agent Zero comes after him (finally, some Henney). Not being the hero, he doesn’t succeed. In a scene that is only a slight ripoff from Ironman, he dies.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: It’s not like Zero was a canon character anyway.
The Girl: Ah, shite.
But now Wolvie has no place to go. Except to Wraith. And Blob, who knows about Stryker’s island and its only escapee jengjengjeng…REMY LEBEAU.
(Intermission. The name REMY LEBEAU is practically sacred to me. You, Fox, Blob, or any random stranger should never, ever take his name in vain. Because he is Gambit. Yeah. That’s right. The coolest marvel character of all time).
They go to Vegas to look for him.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Wolvie traveling with a partner? That doesn’t feel right. And Wraith is such a ripoff of Locus. Who was a chick. And insane. Who takes a teleporter with a cowboy hat seriously?
The Girl: Wraith is sooooo cute. I just want to pinch his cheeks.
They find Gambit.
He is holding a pack of cards, and has soft cheeks, big eyes and a cute nose, and NO CAJUN ACCENT.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: BLASPHEMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Girl: He’s cute. And those card tricks are waay cool.
Victor finds them. Kills Wraith. Wolvie almost kills Victor, but Remy the Bumbling Idiot gets in his way.
Remy agrees to take him to this island.
Also, prior to this, Victor had captured a square-jawed young boy with red optical blasts.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: At least Remy has a bo stick. And a cameo by young Cyclops! It warms the cockles of my geeky heart.
The Girl: He cut his school in half with his laser eyes!!!!! That is wicked. And that stick is incredible. And Wolverine is the King of the One-Fingered Salute yo.
They get to the island. Kayla isn’t dead. Stryker is working with Victor. They are making Weapon 11 (XI, get it? It’s supposed to be like an in-joke). Stryker has taken a whole bunch of mutant kids hostage, those he hasn’t killed anyway. Kayla’s sister is one of them.
Wolvie helps Kayla free the kids. Kayla’s sister manifests a diamond form. Wolvie fights Victor. He fights Weapon XI aka Deadpool aka Wade Wilson. Professor X saves the kids. Wolvie gets shot in the head with adamantium bullets by Stryker. Kayla dies, but not before doing her mutant voodoo on Stryker.
Wolvie wakes up with total amnesia.
The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: at this point, I would like to bring up Mariko again, but it’s not like anyone cares. If you noticed, I bolded and italicized the matter of Kayla’s sister. Who, in the real world is known as Emma Frost. NOT Emma Silverfox. And her diamond form is a secondary mutation, her primary mutation being the world’s greatest mindfucker. ARGHHH.
And was that Quicksilver?
And why did Prof X look so freaking weird?
And tachynosis (or whatever)??? What’s wrong with being a plain old empath?
And is that island possibly…a future Genosha?
The Girl: This movie rocks.
Note of Curiosity: Hugh Jackman’s butt gets a rating of 8 out of 10, the highest rating still going to Robert Downey Jr. in Ironman with a 9.5. I would give him a 10, but then I’d have to upgrade the whole system for Ironman 2.
NoC2: The movie is apparently kind of mostly canon! WOW.
I bet you were expecting Daniel Henney riiight?
4 comments:
1) Kayla Silverfox is a mutant.
2) Agent Zero is better known as David North a.k.a Maverick
3) Daniel Henney Korean films and series is just as good with a good plot and his hot presence. BUT mostly due to his hot presence.haha
4)David North was born Christoph Nord. A GERMAN. If the movie had been true and cast a German, we would have probably seen some Mr. Wundaschtung instead of hot Mr. Henney
im glad u read my links trinna.
hey, the title sounds very familiar. Taken from some poem or something? cant place it...
btw, i loved the show!!!!!!
it's just shakespeare again. i was gonna title it spork but i think i'll save that one for later nyahahaha.
the movie rocked.
i wanna be upset about gambit, but...the movie still rocks.
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