Stained Glass Angels

Vampires/ Krakens/ Debaters

Well. I finally watched twilight. And I was burning with anticipation to rip it apart here but now my mood is sunk. Like the titanic. Except no one's going to make an award-winning movie out of it.

So. All I'm going to do is make a list of how the Cullens rate on the gay-dar.

4. Emmet
3. Edward
2. Jasper
1. Carlisle

Edward and Jasper almost tied, because I actually prefer Jasper's look of constant constipation compared to Edward's, but Ed was saved when he rolled up his shirtsleeves.
That is cute.

Aside from the overwhelming clicheness and inability to converse by the main characters, there is one serious problem with twilight.


It's popularity.

See, the book series is so popular, the casting director thinks she can get away with casting ho-hum looking vampires and lovers with non-existant chemistry, and get away with it because a zillion pimply, naive adolescent girls are going to buy a zillion tickets anyway.

It's so popular, the director thinks he can get away with an hour of spectacularly un-interesting vampire-human romance and another hour of spectacularly un-attention grabbing action scenes, because of the abovementioned reason.

It's so popular, the scriptwriter thinks he can get away with lines like:

1. I had an adrenaline rush. It happens all the time. You can Google it.
2. I can't be without you.
3. Hold tight spidermonkey.
4. I want to be with you forever.
5. So. Finally, the lion falls for the lamb.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WTH SPIDERMONKEY?????????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
The cheesiness makes my brain want to explode.
And the scriptwriter knows that either

a) these lines come from the book and fans want to hear it no matter how ridiculous it sounds out loud
b) these lines come from the mouths of characters whose fans don't care what they say so long as they speak

and then these same fans go around quoting these lines.
Actually quoting them.
To other members of the human race.
Like a disease.

Okay, okay.
Ally and I decided there was one salvageable line

You're my own personal stash of heroin (or something like that).

We predict this to be the pickup line of choice for underage guys for the next couple of months.
Now, if the whole movie had run along the lines of heroin, and drugs, and violence then it would be an acceptable vampire movie. Yes. Perpetuate the myth.
Since Eddie likes to go around claiming he is the greatest predator of all time despite sparkling (serious. he sparkles. that is so not-vampire like. shame) in the sunlight, they should have shown them feeding and drinking and shooting up.
Otherwise, what's the big deal about Bella falling in love with a vampire? So he shines. So he lives forever. He's just a normal guy with no problems.

B-o-r-i-n-g.

To make up for the rehashed lines in twilight, here are a few of the more thoughtful quotes from less...boring movies:


5. I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy, asking him to love her. - Notting Hill

4. And it's not that I want to have you, it's that I want to deserve you. - Dangerous Liaisons

3. Why is it that we only feel compelled to chase the ones that run away? Immaturity?. - Dangerous Liaisons

2. Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be? - Ever After

1. Blahh! I am a Kraken from the sea! - Juno.