Awesome Has Many Names

I watched Star Trek.

Here is my review of Star Trek.

Big Opening Scene:

Big aloe vera shaped ship appears through A BLACK HOLE IN FRONT OF USS KELVIN without sucking in said ship or causing any damage to the surrounding bits of space.
Disbelief suspended.

NERO, COMMANDER OF NARADA (the poky looking ship): Come on board for absolutely no reason other than to promote your First Officer, George KIRK to CAPTAIN after you die.

USS KELVIN CAPTAIN ROBAU (aka most screwed over captain in Federation history): I am going to go on a suicide mission to ensure that KIRK has a hero for a father.

ROBAU and George KIRK DIE saving the crew of KELVIN while DR CAMERON gives birth to JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK.

Backstory Scene Kirk:

KIRK: By stealing this antique car and driving it over the ledge, I am proving to you what a genius dickwad I am. Also, I am really, really blonde. And cute. Just wait til I grow up.

Backstory Scene Spock:

SPOCK beats up some VULCAN kids who make fun of his name. And the fact that he’s half Vulcan/ half human.

SPOCK: Dad, why did you marry Winona Ryder?
SPOCK’S DAD: I wanted my kid to have nice eyes.
SPOCK: Guess that worked out well for you.

MANY YEARS LATER:

VULCAN HIGH COUNCIL: Despite your mother being only 8 years older than you, you have turned out pretty normal. We accept your application to Vulcan school that every Vulcan attends anyway.

SPOCK: Did you just diss my mum?

VULCAN HIGH COUNCIL: Uh, yeah.

SPOCK: Fuck this, I'm joining Starfleet.

SPOCK joins STARFLEET.


In random spacebar

KIRK, hitting on SUPERFOX UHURA: Hi. I'm awesome, as you may have noticed from my devil may care attitude, blue blue eyes and kissable mouth. And nice ass.

SUPERFOX UHURA: Huh? Is this Star Trek or a Maxim live-action issue?

KIRK: Says the fanbait.

KIRK then gets beaten up by half a dozen starfleet cadets. Getting beaten up and hanging from ledges seem to be the limit of KIRK's awesomeness.

CAPTAIN PIKE to KIRK, drooling on the FLOOR: We haven't recruited enough good looking people for the year. Why don't you join up?

KIRK joins STARFLEET


Stay tuned for PART TWO.