Ryan Conferido

Ryan would never yell for a girl to drop her hair out the window.

As a hairdresser, he'd understand the damage that would do to the follicles.

Today I was reading Jack and the Beanstalk and Other Stories (the illustrated version) when I realized I was Rapunzel.

Yep.

The long haired one, stuck in a tower with no sanitation and a psychotic witch for a guardian. Those things are, of course, not the things I have in common with her.

The reason why I am Rapunzel is because we share a common flaw. Our taste in men. Our standards are low at best, and non-existent otherwise.

Rapunzel is this longhaired, magically endowed hottie, cursed to sit in a tower because she is so incredibly beautiful that the insane witch who traded her from her parents didn’t want her to ever leave. In the tower, I assume she has nothing better to do except think deep philosophical thoughts about God and the meaning of life and the creation, and I bet she reads a lot too, not to mention all the knitting and weaving and chore-doing the witch would have made her do. So I figure she’s pretty smart, and talented.

So who ends up being the required prince charming for Rapunzel? Some guy who comes around her window, screaming at her to drop her hair down because he’s too lazy to use the stairs.

Asshole.

And he does this again and again.

Does it ever occur to him to defeat the evil witch and save Rapunzel from her unsanitary conditions? Nope. He’s happy taking her for granted and using her head as an anchor.

Does he ever think that maybe the next time he climbs up her hair he should bring a ladder so that both of them can climb down? Nope. He’s happy keeping her in that convenient tower, away from his wife and fifteen kids.

Does it ever occur to her to tell him to get lost? Nope.

So he’s selfish and he takes her for granted. That’s not even the best part.

When the witch finds out, she cuts off Rapunzel’s hair, tricks the prince and pushes him off the tower, into a bunch of brambles, causing him to go completely blind and therefore rendering the already useless prince completely redundant. Why? Because after the prince blindly prances off, Rapunzel escapes by herself.

By. Her. Self.

The prince was of no use whatsoever.

In fact, after awhile, Rapunzel actually stumbles upon him wandering around aimlessly because he’s blind and too arrogant to ask people to teach him Braille so that he can get a proper job, and she saves his ass by dragging him off and them living happily ever after on the evil witches vegetable farm. And of course because he’s blind she gets to do all the farmwork.

Moral of story: You should have thrown him off the tower after the first time.

A Suitable Boy

I bet no one tells her she has to get married

I have had an interesting week. Although I have been sick for most of it, (which wasn’t so bad because the meds were dope and I got to sleep all day and not do chores hahaha).
The interesting part is that since last week my mother has been trying to get me married off.
No really.
Not even hooked up. Married off. To her best friend’s brother-in-law.

It started when we went to her BFF’s house. Over drinks:

Gossipgossipgossip suddenly…
Kiran (Mum’s BFF): Yeah, and mum asked if Samantha would be interested in marrying him…
Me: Choking on juice.
Kiran: But of course I told her she’s only twenty-three (like as if that isn’t positively ancient by Indian bride standards) hahaha.
Mum & Kiran: Hahahaha (while looking at me meaningfully)
Me: Hahahaha (what the…)

Later at home:

Mum: Are you sure you don’t want to meet him?
Me (while ironing, because I am like, so rajin at home…not): Meet who?
Mum: Kiran’s brother-in-law (he apparently doesn’t have a name, besides brother-in-law)
Me: Eh? Why? Won’t I, like, see him when we go over there anyway?
Mum: Well. I mean like meet him meet him.
Me (nearly burning top that I am ironing): What??? WHAT FOR?? I DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED!! I DON’T EVEN OWN A CAR!!
Mum: He’s very good looking.
Me: Throwing up over ironing board.

The next day:

Mum: You know sweetie, when you get married, you should marry someone who’s intelligent and educated. Someone who won’t bring you down. Who has a job.
Me (now, This sounds like my normal mum): Yes Mum. I know.
Mum: He’s a lawyer, you know. He has a good job. And he seems like a nice boy.

Later that night:

Me: Why are you trying to get me married off? You used to tell me to never get married young.
Mum: I know sweetie. But he seems like a nice boy (seriously. Since when did nice boy become the number one prerequisite for husband material?). And I thought you were interested.
Me: Maaaaaaaaaaaa…I’ve only met him once, for like ten seconds. Three years ago.
Mum: Okay sweetie. I love you. Good night.



* Interested = Gee, I think he’s hot. I agree with that. He was hot. How Interested = Gee, I think I WANT TO GET MARRIED TO SOME RANDOM STRANGER WHOSE NAME I DON’T EVEN KNOW is beyond my understanding.

Yesterday (seems wonderboy left for KL because of his incredible lawyerly job):

Mum (after talking on the phone with BFF): She said that her mum’ll give you his email so that you can check out his whatchamacallit.
Me: (His what?) His what? Oh. His facebook.
Mum: Her mum’s such a joker.

Uh huh.

This morning:

Mum: Are you sure you don’t want his email?
Me: I’m sure!!!!
Mum: How about I give him yours?
Me (mentally scanning my facebook photos): NO!
Mum: Have you added me on your facebook yet?
Me: (seeing as my whole family and their uncles are already in my account anyway) Uh, not yet.

Before lunch:

Mum: Why don’t you want to get married sweetie?
Me: I don’t want to get married now! I’m only 23! I’ll get married when I’m 32!
Mum: Sweetie, no one will want to marry you if you’re 32.
Me: Speechless.

Bring It On

The Incredible Gargantuan Missy-Poo (no, it isn't just the angle. She really is that big)

The other day I was having a conversation with my cat, Missy.
I actually don’t have that many talks with my cat, outside of who’s the cutest darling-poo?? and Hey fatso, aren’t you the cutest little poopy-poo awwwwww.

You know. Normal pet stuff.

But there had been a disturbance several nights ago, and our floor had been valiantly protected by a good-looking ginger tom from upstairs.
I was curious as to why the ginger tom would bother doing so, unless for the approval of my (not so) little blue eyed poopsy.

Me: Hey fats, who’s that handsome kitty what’s been hanging around eh?

Missy: Look of utter boredom

Me: Oh I see. He means nothing to you yeah? Despite the fact he’s been a-dangering hisself night in and night out at our front grill? Ain’t you an ungrateful dame.

Missy: Yawns uncontrollably.

Me: Sigh. I guess that’s how we should treat men…males. Toms. Guys. Whatever. In a few days he’ll be valiantly defending some other lady’s door, if you know what I mean.

Missy: Puts her head on her paws and ignores me.

Me: Oh wait. Sorry. That’s how you treat everyone. Idiot cat.

Missy: Twitches in her sleep.

Me: But I guess I should at least take a page out of your book…a fur out of your hindleg, so to speak.

So remember, boys and girls:


Those who are unworthy of us, we ignore.

Unless they are paying your salary.

Or feeding you (you heard that, you ungrateful feline? I’m putting you on a diet starting tomorrow. You’ll only be fed three times a day!!! HAH. Take that, Chunky. Oh no. Oh no no no, don’t look at me with those big blue eyes…okay, I’ll feed you at tea time too. Okay, okay, supper as well. Okay, whenever you ask me too. Damn cat).

A Risky First Move

Today I drove to buy goreng pisang.


(Yes, my life is so boring now that I am reduced to reporting stuff like this).


Actually, to those of you who know me, this is groundbreaking news.


Not because I actually bought pisang goreng (which in itself is a sin against the frickin god of diet because it's so oily and carb-y and covered in chewy batter and tastes so indecently delicious), but because I. Drove.


Without killing, maiming or mutilating anyone, mind you.


An achievement in itself.


I did, however, miss a left turn and...swerved...into the wrong left rather...quickly, nearly causing my poor beloved mother to have a...coronary infarction.


Fortunately, there are less people living on my side of the state than there are ligers on this planet. This being Kuching and all.


(No, I did not misspell TIGER).

OMG, I love guys who have that shirt-vest-pinstripe thing going.

I also love Daniel Henney.

I guess if he wore a sack, I'd say I love men who wore that too.

Oh, and I watched Wolverine again. Did now knowing the backstory of all the characters change the way I viewed the movie in comparison to the first time?

Not in the way I saw the characters. In fact, I didn't even sit through the whole movie. I just ran back and forth from my laptop to the tv whenever Agent Zero showed up.

I guess I'm an X-MEN fan, not a Team X/Weapon X/Wolverine standalone fan.

Or maybe the movie was just cool and populated with good looking people, but I know in my heart of hearts that that is all it is - a cool movie with nothing really much to do with the actual characters.

Remy LeBeau was just a good looking guy with a pack of cards and a bo stick.

He wasn't really Gambit.

(Cue pensive staring off into the horizon as everyone righteously agrees...or not. Hahaha).

You Can Do No Wrong

Rakan-rakan sekalian. Inilah hadiah terakhir saya kepada anda semua sebelum saya dibuang negeri ke Kuching.

Jika anda ingin bersedih, ke sinilah anda dengan kesedihanmu.

Layan, ye.

TIME

My boxes from university came today.
I managed to squeeze my life for three years into six little A4 paper boxes, a luggage bag and two midsize boxes.

I forgot to pack my pink mug.

Excuse me while I go and get maudlin.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

So I finally watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine, making my life that much more complete. Now all they have to do is make movies about Gambit (played by an actor of my choice), Rogue (played by an actress of my choice), Storm (not played by Halle Berry), X-Force (old and new), and Runaways. Then I can probably die happily.


The movie blew my mind. Not because it was so incredibly cool and fantastic, which it was, but because I found myself split in two. The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl and The Girl. Like so.

SPOILER ALERT
(but since all of you guys watched it before me, it doesn’t really matter does it)

The movie starts out with little Wolverine committing murder. He has a brother with fangs and icky nails. They run away together and watch each others backs for the whole opening credits.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: What? Sabretooth and Wolverine were brothers????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Who is responsible for this little piece of inconceivability??? Stupid FOX. But whoa, bone claws??????? That kinda rocks.


The Girl: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww poor little sickly James Howlett. Now he’ll have to face the world alone. With claws. And his brother. Whose actor is going to grow up to become one good looking dude.

James and Victor join an elite taskforce put together by none other than William Stryker, the ubervillain from X-Men. The taskforce consists of Wade, a super-swordsman with ex-girlfriend issues, Wraith, a teleporter, Bradley the technopath, The Blob, and Agent Zero whose superpower is being incredibly hot…I meant, not being able to miss a shot.
They take out this diamond dealer in a scene that allows everyone a show of skill, but especially Wade because swords are incredibly cool and his character is slightly important.
Then they go to Africa to look for vibranium…I mean adamantium.
Unwilling to kill anymore, Jimmy quits the team and walks off while everyone stares on looking really cool.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Huh? Stryker didn’t implant mind-controlling devices in their head? God, he must have been really young. Who’s Wraith? And who is Bradley? And Agent Zero? I don’t remember these characters. I strongly suspect they don’t exist. But wow, that scene rocked. I wanna learn to swordfight now.



The Girl: I can’t believe Wolverine just walked out on them like that. I mean, who would walk away from Daniel Henney and Ryan Reynolds? Don’t worry boys! I will cheerfully kill the citizens of a small unknown village to bask in the glory of your incredibly toned bodies and absolutely sexy abilities with weapons of murder and mayhem.

Wolverine hooks up with a hot schoolteacher named Kayla Silverfox.

The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Kayla who? What happened to Mariko, his ONE TRUE LOVE (besides Jean Grey)??????????????????????????????? The Woman he was going to marry, whose father played a role in Weapon X and whom he murdered and subsequently forced her to become Lady Deathstrike, hot cyborg of death? Or something like that. And Silverfox is not even a mutant? No way. She’s waaaaay too hot to not be a mutant.


The Girl: Wow she’s hot.

Stryker comes looking for him to invite him back. Viktor comes looking for him to kill him. They fight quite a lot. Jimmy ends up in the hospital. He agrees to let Stryker help him avenge his hot dead girlfriend.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: That made zero sense. Can’t Wolverine smell people lying?



The Girl: Where’s Agent Zero?

Jimmy becomes Wolverine/ Weapon X. Submerged in a container with needles still stuck into his bone, he overhears that he is about to be betrayed. He leaps out of the tank in Berserker rage and runs really fast and far away. Buck. Naked.
Agent Zero comes after him (finally, some Henney). Not being the hero, he doesn’t succeed. In a scene that is only a slight ripoff from Ironman, he dies.

The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: It’s not like Zero was a canon character anyway.
The Girl: Ah, shite.

But now Wolvie has no place to go. Except to Wraith. And Blob, who knows about Stryker’s island and its only escapee jengjengjeng…REMY LEBEAU.
(Intermission. The name REMY LEBEAU is practically sacred to me. You, Fox, Blob, or any random stranger should never, ever take his name in vain. Because he is Gambit. Yeah. That’s right. The coolest marvel character of all time).
They go to Vegas to look for him.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Wolvie traveling with a partner? That doesn’t feel right. And Wraith is such a ripoff of Locus. Who was a chick. And insane. Who takes a teleporter with a cowboy hat seriously?


The Girl: Wraith is sooooo cute. I just want to pinch his cheeks.

They find Gambit.
He is holding a pack of cards, and has soft cheeks, big eyes and a cute nose, and NO CAJUN ACCENT.



The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: BLASPHEMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Girl: He’s cute. And those card tricks are waay cool.

Victor finds them. Kills Wraith. Wolvie almost kills Victor, but Remy the Bumbling Idiot gets in his way.
Remy agrees to take him to this island.
Also, prior to this, Victor had captured a square-jawed young boy with red optical blasts.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: At least Remy has a bo stick. And a cameo by young Cyclops! It warms the cockles of my geeky heart.
The Girl: He cut his school in half with his laser eyes!!!!! That is wicked. And that stick is incredible. And Wolverine is the King of the One-Fingered Salute yo.

They get to the island. Kayla isn’t dead. Stryker is working with Victor. They are making Weapon 11 (XI, get it? It’s supposed to be like an in-joke). Stryker has taken a whole bunch of mutant kids hostage, those he hasn’t killed anyway. Kayla’s sister is one of them.
Wolvie helps Kayla free the kids. Kayla’s sister manifests a diamond form. Wolvie fights Victor. He fights Weapon XI aka Deadpool aka Wade Wilson. Professor X saves the kids. Wolvie gets shot in the head with adamantium bullets by Stryker. Kayla dies, but not before doing her mutant voodoo on Stryker.
Wolvie wakes up with total amnesia.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: at this point, I would like to bring up Mariko again, but it’s not like anyone cares. If you noticed, I bolded and italicized the matter of Kayla’s sister. Who, in the real world is known as Emma Frost. NOT Emma Silverfox. And her diamond form is a secondary mutation, her primary mutation being the world’s greatest mindfucker. ARGHHH.
And was that Quicksilver?
And why did Prof X look so freaking weird?
And tachynosis (or whatever)??? What’s wrong with being a plain old empath?
And is that island possibly…a future Genosha?
The Girl: This movie rocks.

Note of Curiosity: Hugh Jackman’s butt gets a rating of 8 out of 10, the highest rating still going to Robert Downey Jr. in Ironman with a 9.5. I would give him a 10, but then I’d have to upgrade the whole system for Ironman 2.



NoC2: The movie is apparently kind of mostly canon! WOW.

I bet you were expecting Daniel Henney riiight?

Who needs a halo...

And a redhead shall lead them

I am at my grandparents place.


I sleep, eat and watch tv. In that order. Sometimes I eat AND watch tv.


Shocking, I know.


My phone went off the other day. My ringtone is 3oh!3's Don't Trust Me.


The lyrics go like this:


She says she loves me oooh, she says she wants me oooh


she'll never leave me oooh


don't trust the ho


don't trust the ho


never trust the ho....



After getting the fish eye from my uncle I changed my ringtone

To Lily Allen's Fuck You.


*


The actual purpose of this post is to review Wonder Woman. The cartoon. That Warner recently released because they're too cheap to make an actual movie.


But anyway. It's pretty cool for an origins animated movie, better than the Avengers origin animated movie (because Scarlet Witch wasn't in it. Puh-leez. You don't really expect me to take a Witchless Avengers seriously right).


And man, those Amazons had sexy voices! I had no idea Keri Russell could sound so incredibly hot!


I'm not a big WW fan. She always struck me as bizarre, even in a place where bizareness is key.


She's an Amazon. She grew up on an island, and has never seen a man for like thousands of years (that in itself is enough for me to be unable to connect to her). She walks around in a shiny one-piece. She has a lasso.

A lasso.

Of all the uncool crimefighting gadgets...a lasso has got to be the uncoolest.


It even beats Marrow breaking off bits of her calciumate growths to fling at people.


It beats Maggot with his independent digestive system.


It beats a beauty pageant tiara that doubles as a boomerang. Which also happens to be owned by WW.


See? How do you take a swimsuit model with gold accessories as a serious crimefighter?


You can't.


But the cartoon actually made it seem pretty cool. And funny. Like when Diana (WW) won the contest to escort the crashlanded dude back to America, Artemis suggested to Hippolyte (her mother) that they could have stopped her:


Artemis: You shouldn't let her go.


Hippolyte: Do you really think we could have stopped her if we tried? No.


Artemis: I could have shot her. In the leg.


Beat.


Artemis: I would have missed her major arteries, of course.


Yeah.


I think Artemis should have her own series too.