The Only Good Thing About This Movie is Micheal Fassbender

X-Men: First Class. Let me tell you how I felt when I first heard this news. I thought, Oh, which first class will they choose? The one that perished on Krakoa? The one that everyone knows: Jean Grey, Scott Summers, Hank McCoy, Bobby Drake and WWIII? Or would they base it on the animated series that made up much of my Saturday mornings?

Now I realise I was being over-optimistic. Of course! I watched the trailers and knew the movie would suck. The timeline was wrong. The characters were wrong. It was all wrong.

But I would still watch it, because what kind of X-Men fan would I be if I did not watch it, regardless of how horrendous and spitworthy it is?

Spitworthiness:

1. Cheese. So much cheese. I could have brought nachos and had enough protein to put on it just from the bromance between Charles and Erik. Everyone is so cute and chirpy and all-together- now. It's so cheesy all the goop makes me numb to the fact that the mutant issue was supposed to be a reflection of the AIDS epidemic. But screw that right. It was like watching The Famous Five With Superpowers.

Tastier than watching First Class

2. Sorry but this: Banshee wasn't Irish (Then why choose Banshee? If he was American wouldn't he have just called himself Sonic?). Angel was in the New X-Men. Mystique was certainly never part of the founding X-Men team. Wrong Summers brother (TWO of them were in either founding team and they had to choose the one who wasn't). Darwin (just. WTH). I saw no purpose to the agent being named Moira McTaggert. You could have named her Lorna Dane or Maria Hill and it would have made no difference.

I thought casting was important. But I guess he'll grow into it.

3. Is this X-Men or White-Men? Because they got rid of the two non-white characters pretty quickly, what with Darwin dying (I'm sorry, but wasn't his power, like, not dying?) and Angel switching sides. Everyone is white. It's boring.

What do you mean I'm not part of the main cast? I'm in the original First Class dammit!

4. Sometimes I didn't know whether I was watching a co-ed version of Mallory Towers or a 'serious' movie. The preciousness of the 'teens' was jarring in comparison to the so-called heavy issues this movie was supposedly handling. Also, I hate preciousness and a more awkward and chemistry-less bunch of young adults I haven't yet seen.

5. January Jones. Everyone's complained about it so why shouldn't I? As Emma Frost she's about as sexy and titillating as llama spit. And I don't understand why they even put her in her diamond form because a. it was a secondary mutation that didn't appear until the destruction of Genosha and b. it was obviously just for show because Jones, unlike McAvoy, doesn't look smart enough to be a telepath. Am I starting to look vacant? DIAMOND FORM! There is only so much squinty eyes the woman can convincingly do.

This is sexy.

This is awkward.

6. Are they following the main Marvel timeline or the Ultimates? If Ultimates, I know nothing of it and cannot comment. If main, then the timeline is irritating. An obvious example:
Here, Emma Frost is the subservient partner to Shaw while in normal time she is dating Scott Summers. Is Scott Summers even born yet in this movie? And is this completely separate from the previous X-Men movies? I thought this was supposed to be a 'prequel' of sorts. But in Wolverine, Emma made an appearance, same age as Cyclops, and the Prof was in a wheelchair. I don't understand.

7. It's just a movie. Why am I nitpicking? I should just sit back and enjoy it. Sorry. If they wanted to make a movie about a bunch of superpowered hotties, they could have gone The Incredibles route and created their own characters. The characters I see in this movie are so far from their original purpose so as not to be relevant to the actual character they are based on. Which to me makes the whole movie pointless. Don't make a movie based on a franchise and expect people to have no expectations.

Hugworthy:

1. Micheal Fassbender (except in the end scene. corn to go with the cheese, please).

Nevertheless, my brother who also felt as I did when we first saw First Class did assure me that the movie gets better after you watch it again.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

So I finally watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine, making my life that much more complete. Now all they have to do is make movies about Gambit (played by an actor of my choice), Rogue (played by an actress of my choice), Storm (not played by Halle Berry), X-Force (old and new), and Runaways. Then I can probably die happily.


The movie blew my mind. Not because it was so incredibly cool and fantastic, which it was, but because I found myself split in two. The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl and The Girl. Like so.

SPOILER ALERT
(but since all of you guys watched it before me, it doesn’t really matter does it)

The movie starts out with little Wolverine committing murder. He has a brother with fangs and icky nails. They run away together and watch each others backs for the whole opening credits.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: What? Sabretooth and Wolverine were brothers????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Who is responsible for this little piece of inconceivability??? Stupid FOX. But whoa, bone claws??????? That kinda rocks.


The Girl: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww poor little sickly James Howlett. Now he’ll have to face the world alone. With claws. And his brother. Whose actor is going to grow up to become one good looking dude.

James and Victor join an elite taskforce put together by none other than William Stryker, the ubervillain from X-Men. The taskforce consists of Wade, a super-swordsman with ex-girlfriend issues, Wraith, a teleporter, Bradley the technopath, The Blob, and Agent Zero whose superpower is being incredibly hot…I meant, not being able to miss a shot.
They take out this diamond dealer in a scene that allows everyone a show of skill, but especially Wade because swords are incredibly cool and his character is slightly important.
Then they go to Africa to look for vibranium…I mean adamantium.
Unwilling to kill anymore, Jimmy quits the team and walks off while everyone stares on looking really cool.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Huh? Stryker didn’t implant mind-controlling devices in their head? God, he must have been really young. Who’s Wraith? And who is Bradley? And Agent Zero? I don’t remember these characters. I strongly suspect they don’t exist. But wow, that scene rocked. I wanna learn to swordfight now.



The Girl: I can’t believe Wolverine just walked out on them like that. I mean, who would walk away from Daniel Henney and Ryan Reynolds? Don’t worry boys! I will cheerfully kill the citizens of a small unknown village to bask in the glory of your incredibly toned bodies and absolutely sexy abilities with weapons of murder and mayhem.

Wolverine hooks up with a hot schoolteacher named Kayla Silverfox.

The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Kayla who? What happened to Mariko, his ONE TRUE LOVE (besides Jean Grey)??????????????????????????????? The Woman he was going to marry, whose father played a role in Weapon X and whom he murdered and subsequently forced her to become Lady Deathstrike, hot cyborg of death? Or something like that. And Silverfox is not even a mutant? No way. She’s waaaaay too hot to not be a mutant.


The Girl: Wow she’s hot.

Stryker comes looking for him to invite him back. Viktor comes looking for him to kill him. They fight quite a lot. Jimmy ends up in the hospital. He agrees to let Stryker help him avenge his hot dead girlfriend.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: That made zero sense. Can’t Wolverine smell people lying?



The Girl: Where’s Agent Zero?

Jimmy becomes Wolverine/ Weapon X. Submerged in a container with needles still stuck into his bone, he overhears that he is about to be betrayed. He leaps out of the tank in Berserker rage and runs really fast and far away. Buck. Naked.
Agent Zero comes after him (finally, some Henney). Not being the hero, he doesn’t succeed. In a scene that is only a slight ripoff from Ironman, he dies.

The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: It’s not like Zero was a canon character anyway.
The Girl: Ah, shite.

But now Wolvie has no place to go. Except to Wraith. And Blob, who knows about Stryker’s island and its only escapee jengjengjeng…REMY LEBEAU.
(Intermission. The name REMY LEBEAU is practically sacred to me. You, Fox, Blob, or any random stranger should never, ever take his name in vain. Because he is Gambit. Yeah. That’s right. The coolest marvel character of all time).
They go to Vegas to look for him.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Wolvie traveling with a partner? That doesn’t feel right. And Wraith is such a ripoff of Locus. Who was a chick. And insane. Who takes a teleporter with a cowboy hat seriously?


The Girl: Wraith is sooooo cute. I just want to pinch his cheeks.

They find Gambit.
He is holding a pack of cards, and has soft cheeks, big eyes and a cute nose, and NO CAJUN ACCENT.



The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: BLASPHEMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Girl: He’s cute. And those card tricks are waay cool.

Victor finds them. Kills Wraith. Wolvie almost kills Victor, but Remy the Bumbling Idiot gets in his way.
Remy agrees to take him to this island.
Also, prior to this, Victor had captured a square-jawed young boy with red optical blasts.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: At least Remy has a bo stick. And a cameo by young Cyclops! It warms the cockles of my geeky heart.
The Girl: He cut his school in half with his laser eyes!!!!! That is wicked. And that stick is incredible. And Wolverine is the King of the One-Fingered Salute yo.

They get to the island. Kayla isn’t dead. Stryker is working with Victor. They are making Weapon 11 (XI, get it? It’s supposed to be like an in-joke). Stryker has taken a whole bunch of mutant kids hostage, those he hasn’t killed anyway. Kayla’s sister is one of them.
Wolvie helps Kayla free the kids. Kayla’s sister manifests a diamond form. Wolvie fights Victor. He fights Weapon XI aka Deadpool aka Wade Wilson. Professor X saves the kids. Wolvie gets shot in the head with adamantium bullets by Stryker. Kayla dies, but not before doing her mutant voodoo on Stryker.
Wolvie wakes up with total amnesia.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: at this point, I would like to bring up Mariko again, but it’s not like anyone cares. If you noticed, I bolded and italicized the matter of Kayla’s sister. Who, in the real world is known as Emma Frost. NOT Emma Silverfox. And her diamond form is a secondary mutation, her primary mutation being the world’s greatest mindfucker. ARGHHH.
And was that Quicksilver?
And why did Prof X look so freaking weird?
And tachynosis (or whatever)??? What’s wrong with being a plain old empath?
And is that island possibly…a future Genosha?
The Girl: This movie rocks.

Note of Curiosity: Hugh Jackman’s butt gets a rating of 8 out of 10, the highest rating still going to Robert Downey Jr. in Ironman with a 9.5. I would give him a 10, but then I’d have to upgrade the whole system for Ironman 2.



NoC2: The movie is apparently kind of mostly canon! WOW.

I bet you were expecting Daniel Henney riiight?