TIME

My boxes from university came today.
I managed to squeeze my life for three years into six little A4 paper boxes, a luggage bag and two midsize boxes.

I forgot to pack my pink mug.

Excuse me while I go and get maudlin.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

So I finally watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine, making my life that much more complete. Now all they have to do is make movies about Gambit (played by an actor of my choice), Rogue (played by an actress of my choice), Storm (not played by Halle Berry), X-Force (old and new), and Runaways. Then I can probably die happily.


The movie blew my mind. Not because it was so incredibly cool and fantastic, which it was, but because I found myself split in two. The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl and The Girl. Like so.

SPOILER ALERT
(but since all of you guys watched it before me, it doesn’t really matter does it)

The movie starts out with little Wolverine committing murder. He has a brother with fangs and icky nails. They run away together and watch each others backs for the whole opening credits.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: What? Sabretooth and Wolverine were brothers????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Who is responsible for this little piece of inconceivability??? Stupid FOX. But whoa, bone claws??????? That kinda rocks.


The Girl: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww poor little sickly James Howlett. Now he’ll have to face the world alone. With claws. And his brother. Whose actor is going to grow up to become one good looking dude.

James and Victor join an elite taskforce put together by none other than William Stryker, the ubervillain from X-Men. The taskforce consists of Wade, a super-swordsman with ex-girlfriend issues, Wraith, a teleporter, Bradley the technopath, The Blob, and Agent Zero whose superpower is being incredibly hot…I meant, not being able to miss a shot.
They take out this diamond dealer in a scene that allows everyone a show of skill, but especially Wade because swords are incredibly cool and his character is slightly important.
Then they go to Africa to look for vibranium…I mean adamantium.
Unwilling to kill anymore, Jimmy quits the team and walks off while everyone stares on looking really cool.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Huh? Stryker didn’t implant mind-controlling devices in their head? God, he must have been really young. Who’s Wraith? And who is Bradley? And Agent Zero? I don’t remember these characters. I strongly suspect they don’t exist. But wow, that scene rocked. I wanna learn to swordfight now.



The Girl: I can’t believe Wolverine just walked out on them like that. I mean, who would walk away from Daniel Henney and Ryan Reynolds? Don’t worry boys! I will cheerfully kill the citizens of a small unknown village to bask in the glory of your incredibly toned bodies and absolutely sexy abilities with weapons of murder and mayhem.

Wolverine hooks up with a hot schoolteacher named Kayla Silverfox.

The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Kayla who? What happened to Mariko, his ONE TRUE LOVE (besides Jean Grey)??????????????????????????????? The Woman he was going to marry, whose father played a role in Weapon X and whom he murdered and subsequently forced her to become Lady Deathstrike, hot cyborg of death? Or something like that. And Silverfox is not even a mutant? No way. She’s waaaaay too hot to not be a mutant.


The Girl: Wow she’s hot.

Stryker comes looking for him to invite him back. Viktor comes looking for him to kill him. They fight quite a lot. Jimmy ends up in the hospital. He agrees to let Stryker help him avenge his hot dead girlfriend.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: That made zero sense. Can’t Wolverine smell people lying?



The Girl: Where’s Agent Zero?

Jimmy becomes Wolverine/ Weapon X. Submerged in a container with needles still stuck into his bone, he overhears that he is about to be betrayed. He leaps out of the tank in Berserker rage and runs really fast and far away. Buck. Naked.
Agent Zero comes after him (finally, some Henney). Not being the hero, he doesn’t succeed. In a scene that is only a slight ripoff from Ironman, he dies.

The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: It’s not like Zero was a canon character anyway.
The Girl: Ah, shite.

But now Wolvie has no place to go. Except to Wraith. And Blob, who knows about Stryker’s island and its only escapee jengjengjeng…REMY LEBEAU.
(Intermission. The name REMY LEBEAU is practically sacred to me. You, Fox, Blob, or any random stranger should never, ever take his name in vain. Because he is Gambit. Yeah. That’s right. The coolest marvel character of all time).
They go to Vegas to look for him.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: Wolvie traveling with a partner? That doesn’t feel right. And Wraith is such a ripoff of Locus. Who was a chick. And insane. Who takes a teleporter with a cowboy hat seriously?


The Girl: Wraith is sooooo cute. I just want to pinch his cheeks.

They find Gambit.
He is holding a pack of cards, and has soft cheeks, big eyes and a cute nose, and NO CAJUN ACCENT.



The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: BLASPHEMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Girl: He’s cute. And those card tricks are waay cool.

Victor finds them. Kills Wraith. Wolvie almost kills Victor, but Remy the Bumbling Idiot gets in his way.
Remy agrees to take him to this island.
Also, prior to this, Victor had captured a square-jawed young boy with red optical blasts.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: At least Remy has a bo stick. And a cameo by young Cyclops! It warms the cockles of my geeky heart.
The Girl: He cut his school in half with his laser eyes!!!!! That is wicked. And that stick is incredible. And Wolverine is the King of the One-Fingered Salute yo.

They get to the island. Kayla isn’t dead. Stryker is working with Victor. They are making Weapon 11 (XI, get it? It’s supposed to be like an in-joke). Stryker has taken a whole bunch of mutant kids hostage, those he hasn’t killed anyway. Kayla’s sister is one of them.
Wolvie helps Kayla free the kids. Kayla’s sister manifests a diamond form. Wolvie fights Victor. He fights Weapon XI aka Deadpool aka Wade Wilson. Professor X saves the kids. Wolvie gets shot in the head with adamantium bullets by Stryker. Kayla dies, but not before doing her mutant voodoo on Stryker.
Wolvie wakes up with total amnesia.


The Incredible Rabid Marvel NerdGirl: at this point, I would like to bring up Mariko again, but it’s not like anyone cares. If you noticed, I bolded and italicized the matter of Kayla’s sister. Who, in the real world is known as Emma Frost. NOT Emma Silverfox. And her diamond form is a secondary mutation, her primary mutation being the world’s greatest mindfucker. ARGHHH.
And was that Quicksilver?
And why did Prof X look so freaking weird?
And tachynosis (or whatever)??? What’s wrong with being a plain old empath?
And is that island possibly…a future Genosha?
The Girl: This movie rocks.

Note of Curiosity: Hugh Jackman’s butt gets a rating of 8 out of 10, the highest rating still going to Robert Downey Jr. in Ironman with a 9.5. I would give him a 10, but then I’d have to upgrade the whole system for Ironman 2.



NoC2: The movie is apparently kind of mostly canon! WOW.

I bet you were expecting Daniel Henney riiight?

Who needs a halo...

And a redhead shall lead them

I am at my grandparents place.


I sleep, eat and watch tv. In that order. Sometimes I eat AND watch tv.


Shocking, I know.


My phone went off the other day. My ringtone is 3oh!3's Don't Trust Me.


The lyrics go like this:


She says she loves me oooh, she says she wants me oooh


she'll never leave me oooh


don't trust the ho


don't trust the ho


never trust the ho....



After getting the fish eye from my uncle I changed my ringtone

To Lily Allen's Fuck You.


*


The actual purpose of this post is to review Wonder Woman. The cartoon. That Warner recently released because they're too cheap to make an actual movie.


But anyway. It's pretty cool for an origins animated movie, better than the Avengers origin animated movie (because Scarlet Witch wasn't in it. Puh-leez. You don't really expect me to take a Witchless Avengers seriously right).


And man, those Amazons had sexy voices! I had no idea Keri Russell could sound so incredibly hot!


I'm not a big WW fan. She always struck me as bizarre, even in a place where bizareness is key.


She's an Amazon. She grew up on an island, and has never seen a man for like thousands of years (that in itself is enough for me to be unable to connect to her). She walks around in a shiny one-piece. She has a lasso.

A lasso.

Of all the uncool crimefighting gadgets...a lasso has got to be the uncoolest.


It even beats Marrow breaking off bits of her calciumate growths to fling at people.


It beats Maggot with his independent digestive system.


It beats a beauty pageant tiara that doubles as a boomerang. Which also happens to be owned by WW.


See? How do you take a swimsuit model with gold accessories as a serious crimefighter?


You can't.


But the cartoon actually made it seem pretty cool. And funny. Like when Diana (WW) won the contest to escort the crashlanded dude back to America, Artemis suggested to Hippolyte (her mother) that they could have stopped her:


Artemis: You shouldn't let her go.


Hippolyte: Do you really think we could have stopped her if we tried? No.


Artemis: I could have shot her. In the leg.


Beat.


Artemis: I would have missed her major arteries, of course.


Yeah.


I think Artemis should have her own series too.

The Lovely April

I have finished my exams.
I have taken my last paper, ever, as an undergraduate.
Wow. I now officially have no purpose in life for the next few months.
Therefore I take it upon myself, to enlighten you, dear reader, on some Stuff.
The first Stuff will be poetry. Before you die of boredom from the sheer mention of it, hear me out.
Or don't, if you don't want to, it's not like I'm going to stop writing for you anyway.
Ha ha ha. In yo face.

Now, poetry can be repetitive. Most of it, like songs, are about the eternal soppiness of love. I have no interest in that. Maybe because I am not in love, but most probably because there are more interesting things than that.
For example, women.
Most poets are men. Most famous poets anyway. Therefore, they write about women. Even Byron and Wilde didn't poetise men. That I know of. Although Wilde did write Dorian Gray.

I am not a poetry expert. I just like these poems. And I think they deserve to be appreciated.

1. Sonnet III by Shakespeare

This sonnet rocks because it's about growing old and losing time. Okay, that's not why it rocks. It rocks because everytime I read these lines,

Thou art thy mother's glass and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime.

I am reminded that I do look like my Mum when she was my age, and I get a warm fuzzy feeling. Except my Mum was hotter, but I just normally don't think about that part. But imagine that; looking at something you created, a child, and seeing you in it, knowing that in some way you are going to live forever.

Look in thy glass and tell the face thou viewest
Now is the time that face should form another.

2. Faustine by Swinburne

After reading this, I decided to name my daughter Faustine. Anne Faustine, or Faustine Rose or something equally innocent. And then when she's old enough to appreciate literary references, I will unveil to her her own Crowning Moment of Awesome by revealing her namesake.

I know what queen at first you were,
As though I had seen
Red gold and black imperious hair
Twice crown Faustine.

Some children may flip when they understand the connotations, but my kid will be cool about it. She'll probably also wear lots of black. And resemble Wednesday Addams.
The point is, she will not hate me for the rest of her life for naming her after what is essentially Lilith in this almost frightening poem that veers between condemning the title character, sympathising with her fate, and longing for her cruel beauty.

You have the face that suits a woman
For her soul’s screen—
The sort of beauty that’s called human
In hell, Faustine.

3. Requiescat by Oscar Wilde

All her bright golden hair
Tarnished with rust,
She that was young and fair
Fallen to dust.

Dear blonde dead sister.
I miss you.

Peace, peace, she cannot hear
Lyre or sonnet,
All my life's buried here,
Heap earth upon it.


4. Keats' Le Belle Dame Sans Merci

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful—a faery's child.

Similar to Faustine. Kind of. The titular Lady Without Mercy is actually a fairy, and it refers to old legends when fairies used to bewitch men to follow them to fairyland, and either stay there until a gazillion years have past and all they knew is gone, or escape but forever long for the fairy touch.
I suspect the fairy ploy has something to do with mushrooms though.
Magic mushrooms.

And sure in language strange she said,
'I love thee true.'

5. The Lady of Shalott by Tennyson

Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

Tennyson rocks. Try reading it out loud. When you're alone, duh, you don't want people thinking you're a complete lunatic.
Basically Shalott (nothing to do with garlic) has a perfectly normal life locked in her tower room, cursed to spin thread all day and spy on young lovers from her window, until jengjengjeng guess who shows up?...LANCELOT.
The man is EVERYWHERE.
So he screws up yet another woman's life.

But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

Yeah, asshole. You freakin' murdered her with your charisma. You'd better say something nice.

BINTURONG

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG
GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bunny is too cute.

The Things They Say About Her

Dear Ms. Scarlett Johansson/ Mrs Scarlett Reynolds/ Whichever,



I totally respect you as an actress and human being. In no way am I writing this to undermine your contributions to the movie world (e.g. you in your underwear in Lost in Translaton, in only a man's shirt in The Island and He's Just Not That Into You).

In fact, I find it very inspiring that you have managed to make a mark on the film industry at such a young age, without having to act in movies that outrightly objectified your obvious beauty, unlike Megan Fox who basically had to walk around like an unpaid prostitute in a miniskirt and cutoff top to gain worldwide status as a Hottie in Transformers.
Oh. You mean all teenagers dress like that? My bad.

Anyway. I am not condemning your angelic face, incredible hooters*, tiny waist and Botticelli hips that makes every virile male within a 50 feet radius of your image need to take a cold shower. Most people would condemn you for that, but I understand that you were born that way and can't change it.

The purpose I am writing this, Ms Johansson, is because I have heard a very unnerving rumour that you will be appearing in Iron Man II. That would be fine with me, so long as you keep your appearance to below five minutes of screen time and remember to pick up your clothes on the way out of Stark's apartment.

BUT, instead I hear that you are being considered, or in fact, have already been confirmed to play the Black Widow.

I realise that most people of your status/age/ gender don't read comic books. And yeah, I'm not a fan of comic book Iron Man myself. But that does not give you the right to earn money by screwing up the mental image thousands of comicbook fans have of a redheaded Russian spy.

Maybe if Black Widow was the Dutch Milkmaid, you would be ideal for this position.

Maybe it is not your fault that you do not look diabolically yet sexily evil. Like a Russian redhead should.

And maybe it is also not your fault that if you wear a skintight black costume, no one is going to believe that you are playing anything but dress-up precursor to turning Iron Man II into an episode of Leather Fetish Monthly (or whatever).

What I am saying is that you don't look like her, you can't look like her no matter how hard you try, and you will never be her.

It would be a disaster akin to casting Anna Paquin as Rogue, but at least the people in the cinema weren't thinking about sex everytime she pouted her lips (she saved that for True Blood); or Kirsten Dunst as MJ. Or Taylor Kitsch as Gambit.

I think I'll write a letter to him, too.

Ms Johansson, you are young and talented. You will not run out of roles for maybe, let's see, another five years. Those roles will allow you to interpret the character. If you try and interpret Black Widow, which you will because you don't read comic books (if you do, then I don't understand why you took the job. Except maybe for the paycheck. Or you wanted to be equal with your husband, Ryan Reynolds, who will be playing Wade Wilson in Origins), you will destroy her.

You won't mean to. But you will.

Not because you're not a good actress. But because you're just not the right actress.

That is all I have to say.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Me.





*Never, in normal conversation, would I use this word. Ever.

This bunny is from fuckyoupenguin.

It was too cute.

I couldn't help myself.

He's Just Not That...Whatever.

They forgot to put Natalie Portman in this movie

When this movie was in production, I heard they had some trouble with the title.
They couldn’t decide between He’s Just Not That Into You and Scarlett Johansson’s Boobs.

Since they didn’t want to associate with Z-grade porn, the movie was named the former.

I’m not the kind of person who is capable of remembering every quotable quote from a movie and then successfully regurgitating it afterwards. But there was a scene that made me think, Hey, yeah. That’s true.

It was a scene between Justin Long (Alex) and Ginnifer Goodwin (Gigi). Basically Gigi had just attempted to throw herself at Alex, and he was all Huh? What?
And she tells him it was because of all the ‘signs’

Like, you say it’s nice hearing from you, and your imaginary friend ‘Bill’ and you even stopped making out with a hot chick to answer my call.

And his reply:

What? What is wrong with you women? Why do you have to overanalyze everything? Why do you have to take things apart and see signs everywhere?!? Why do you have to pick it to bits…God! This is exactly what I was telling you about.

And Trin and I were like, Oh my God, this is exactly what women do, everytime, without fail. Analyse analyse analyse. Everything has a meaning. Why can’t being nice to a member of the opposite sex just mean that you’re being nice?
Because, if you are into that member of the opposite sex, it’ll mean something. If that person is into you, it means something. If that person is goodlooking or interesting or funny or in any way a FIVE AND ABOVE ON THE TEN SCALE for you, it means something. Whether you want it to or not.

So besides that sucky moment of realization, and the other sucky moment of realization (that women treat guys that they are not into just as badly as guys treat girls that they are not into), the movie was basically about Scarlett Johansson’s assets, Ginnifer Goodwin’s smile, and the fact that Jennifer Aniston is old and unmarried. And Bradley Cooper.
Bradley Cooper as the cheating husband is disgustingly hot – and self-centered. After his first huge mistake that ends in divorce, at the end of the movie, he just does it again.
People like him can’t help it. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

In my opinion, the movie could have happily cruised along based wholly on Justin Long’s charm. Not that I’m complaining about Scarlett. She is hot the way forest fires wish they were hot.

And another thing. Like, 70% of the cast is named Jennifer, or some derivative.
Hollywood! Hire some Anushkas or Mei Lings or something already.