The Lovely April

I have finished my exams.
I have taken my last paper, ever, as an undergraduate.
Wow. I now officially have no purpose in life for the next few months.
Therefore I take it upon myself, to enlighten you, dear reader, on some Stuff.
The first Stuff will be poetry. Before you die of boredom from the sheer mention of it, hear me out.
Or don't, if you don't want to, it's not like I'm going to stop writing for you anyway.
Ha ha ha. In yo face.

Now, poetry can be repetitive. Most of it, like songs, are about the eternal soppiness of love. I have no interest in that. Maybe because I am not in love, but most probably because there are more interesting things than that.
For example, women.
Most poets are men. Most famous poets anyway. Therefore, they write about women. Even Byron and Wilde didn't poetise men. That I know of. Although Wilde did write Dorian Gray.

I am not a poetry expert. I just like these poems. And I think they deserve to be appreciated.

1. Sonnet III by Shakespeare

This sonnet rocks because it's about growing old and losing time. Okay, that's not why it rocks. It rocks because everytime I read these lines,

Thou art thy mother's glass and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime.

I am reminded that I do look like my Mum when she was my age, and I get a warm fuzzy feeling. Except my Mum was hotter, but I just normally don't think about that part. But imagine that; looking at something you created, a child, and seeing you in it, knowing that in some way you are going to live forever.

Look in thy glass and tell the face thou viewest
Now is the time that face should form another.

2. Faustine by Swinburne

After reading this, I decided to name my daughter Faustine. Anne Faustine, or Faustine Rose or something equally innocent. And then when she's old enough to appreciate literary references, I will unveil to her her own Crowning Moment of Awesome by revealing her namesake.

I know what queen at first you were,
As though I had seen
Red gold and black imperious hair
Twice crown Faustine.

Some children may flip when they understand the connotations, but my kid will be cool about it. She'll probably also wear lots of black. And resemble Wednesday Addams.
The point is, she will not hate me for the rest of her life for naming her after what is essentially Lilith in this almost frightening poem that veers between condemning the title character, sympathising with her fate, and longing for her cruel beauty.

You have the face that suits a woman
For her soul’s screen—
The sort of beauty that’s called human
In hell, Faustine.

3. Requiescat by Oscar Wilde

All her bright golden hair
Tarnished with rust,
She that was young and fair
Fallen to dust.

Dear blonde dead sister.
I miss you.

Peace, peace, she cannot hear
Lyre or sonnet,
All my life's buried here,
Heap earth upon it.


4. Keats' Le Belle Dame Sans Merci

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful—a faery's child.

Similar to Faustine. Kind of. The titular Lady Without Mercy is actually a fairy, and it refers to old legends when fairies used to bewitch men to follow them to fairyland, and either stay there until a gazillion years have past and all they knew is gone, or escape but forever long for the fairy touch.
I suspect the fairy ploy has something to do with mushrooms though.
Magic mushrooms.

And sure in language strange she said,
'I love thee true.'

5. The Lady of Shalott by Tennyson

Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

Tennyson rocks. Try reading it out loud. When you're alone, duh, you don't want people thinking you're a complete lunatic.
Basically Shalott (nothing to do with garlic) has a perfectly normal life locked in her tower room, cursed to spin thread all day and spy on young lovers from her window, until jengjengjeng guess who shows up?...LANCELOT.
The man is EVERYWHERE.
So he screws up yet another woman's life.

But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

Yeah, asshole. You freakin' murdered her with your charisma. You'd better say something nice.

BINTURONG

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG
GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bunny is too cute.

The Things They Say About Her

Dear Ms. Scarlett Johansson/ Mrs Scarlett Reynolds/ Whichever,



I totally respect you as an actress and human being. In no way am I writing this to undermine your contributions to the movie world (e.g. you in your underwear in Lost in Translaton, in only a man's shirt in The Island and He's Just Not That Into You).

In fact, I find it very inspiring that you have managed to make a mark on the film industry at such a young age, without having to act in movies that outrightly objectified your obvious beauty, unlike Megan Fox who basically had to walk around like an unpaid prostitute in a miniskirt and cutoff top to gain worldwide status as a Hottie in Transformers.
Oh. You mean all teenagers dress like that? My bad.

Anyway. I am not condemning your angelic face, incredible hooters*, tiny waist and Botticelli hips that makes every virile male within a 50 feet radius of your image need to take a cold shower. Most people would condemn you for that, but I understand that you were born that way and can't change it.

The purpose I am writing this, Ms Johansson, is because I have heard a very unnerving rumour that you will be appearing in Iron Man II. That would be fine with me, so long as you keep your appearance to below five minutes of screen time and remember to pick up your clothes on the way out of Stark's apartment.

BUT, instead I hear that you are being considered, or in fact, have already been confirmed to play the Black Widow.

I realise that most people of your status/age/ gender don't read comic books. And yeah, I'm not a fan of comic book Iron Man myself. But that does not give you the right to earn money by screwing up the mental image thousands of comicbook fans have of a redheaded Russian spy.

Maybe if Black Widow was the Dutch Milkmaid, you would be ideal for this position.

Maybe it is not your fault that you do not look diabolically yet sexily evil. Like a Russian redhead should.

And maybe it is also not your fault that if you wear a skintight black costume, no one is going to believe that you are playing anything but dress-up precursor to turning Iron Man II into an episode of Leather Fetish Monthly (or whatever).

What I am saying is that you don't look like her, you can't look like her no matter how hard you try, and you will never be her.

It would be a disaster akin to casting Anna Paquin as Rogue, but at least the people in the cinema weren't thinking about sex everytime she pouted her lips (she saved that for True Blood); or Kirsten Dunst as MJ. Or Taylor Kitsch as Gambit.

I think I'll write a letter to him, too.

Ms Johansson, you are young and talented. You will not run out of roles for maybe, let's see, another five years. Those roles will allow you to interpret the character. If you try and interpret Black Widow, which you will because you don't read comic books (if you do, then I don't understand why you took the job. Except maybe for the paycheck. Or you wanted to be equal with your husband, Ryan Reynolds, who will be playing Wade Wilson in Origins), you will destroy her.

You won't mean to. But you will.

Not because you're not a good actress. But because you're just not the right actress.

That is all I have to say.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Me.





*Never, in normal conversation, would I use this word. Ever.

This bunny is from fuckyoupenguin.

It was too cute.

I couldn't help myself.

He's Just Not That...Whatever.

They forgot to put Natalie Portman in this movie

When this movie was in production, I heard they had some trouble with the title.
They couldn’t decide between He’s Just Not That Into You and Scarlett Johansson’s Boobs.

Since they didn’t want to associate with Z-grade porn, the movie was named the former.

I’m not the kind of person who is capable of remembering every quotable quote from a movie and then successfully regurgitating it afterwards. But there was a scene that made me think, Hey, yeah. That’s true.

It was a scene between Justin Long (Alex) and Ginnifer Goodwin (Gigi). Basically Gigi had just attempted to throw herself at Alex, and he was all Huh? What?
And she tells him it was because of all the ‘signs’

Like, you say it’s nice hearing from you, and your imaginary friend ‘Bill’ and you even stopped making out with a hot chick to answer my call.

And his reply:

What? What is wrong with you women? Why do you have to overanalyze everything? Why do you have to take things apart and see signs everywhere?!? Why do you have to pick it to bits…God! This is exactly what I was telling you about.

And Trin and I were like, Oh my God, this is exactly what women do, everytime, without fail. Analyse analyse analyse. Everything has a meaning. Why can’t being nice to a member of the opposite sex just mean that you’re being nice?
Because, if you are into that member of the opposite sex, it’ll mean something. If that person is into you, it means something. If that person is goodlooking or interesting or funny or in any way a FIVE AND ABOVE ON THE TEN SCALE for you, it means something. Whether you want it to or not.

So besides that sucky moment of realization, and the other sucky moment of realization (that women treat guys that they are not into just as badly as guys treat girls that they are not into), the movie was basically about Scarlett Johansson’s assets, Ginnifer Goodwin’s smile, and the fact that Jennifer Aniston is old and unmarried. And Bradley Cooper.
Bradley Cooper as the cheating husband is disgustingly hot – and self-centered. After his first huge mistake that ends in divorce, at the end of the movie, he just does it again.
People like him can’t help it. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

In my opinion, the movie could have happily cruised along based wholly on Justin Long’s charm. Not that I’m complaining about Scarlett. She is hot the way forest fires wish they were hot.

And another thing. Like, 70% of the cast is named Jennifer, or some derivative.
Hollywood! Hire some Anushkas or Mei Lings or something already.

RaggedyAnn(e)

I'm having flu. Or cold, whichever irritating common illness brilliant scientists of the ages have yet to wipe off the face of the earth.



Not wanting to go to the doctor because they'd just give me antibiotics that have never worked before (true story: I had to go to the doctor three times to cure a bout of cold, that eventually self-cured after several months. Medicine! Pah!), I am going to take the path of self cure.



Using the ever-trustworthy internet, I set out upon my quest.



Acupuncture to cure a cold? Hmmm.


Sleep a lot? Okay.


Drink a lot (no alcohol or tea though)? Possible.


Did you know the worst phase of flu/cold is after the 3rd day? That's when you wonder why you were brought on to this earth.



So anyway, while I am finding all these stuff and wondering why I ever bothered going to doctors, I stumble upon an article, with this line:





Each year influenza kills almost 3000 Australians





WTF?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


FLU KILLS PEOPLE???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Isn't living in fear of contracting actual fatal illnesses like CANCER and HEART DISEASE bad enough, now we have to be afraid of FLU?

God, this is seriously UnCool.


Yeah, I'm talking to you, Big Guy. Creating chocolate cake and Chuck Bass ain't making up for this one.



Although this cake reaps a lot of Forgiveness Points for sheer Awesomeness.


And also these cakes:

Tim Burton = Incredibly weird awesomeness

Campbellian Heroes

Today I discovered the insides of my condensed milk container to be lightly sprinkled with mold.
Yes. Mold.

As I stood there holding the innocent pink container that suddenly made me want to throw up, I thought:

So. This is what referigerators are for.

Cleaning the container, I swore to myself that I would never fall victim to green extremist beliefs and sacrifice my health to save the world (even a little bit). Other people can slaughter their garden-reared sheep and eat soggy veg from the lawn.
I ain't buying into that.

And, hey, cheapskate hostel people, when are you going to enable us to keep our foods in more hygienic circumstances? Before or after we are infected with an outbreak of mold disease?

I can just imagine their tiny, furry little hyphae expanding and taking over our water based cells, slowly turning us into FREAKING WALKING FUNGI!!!

Is this what you want, University Authorities? To force-spawn a new breed of Homo Cladosporium to get global attention, because obviously getting a gazillion dollar grant from the government for no other reason than as a short term solution to the epic problem of our COUNTRY'S EDUCATION SYSTEM SUCKING PLATYPUS BALLS is not good enough for you?

That is so UnCool, seriously.

Like, wth kind of superpowers would mushroom people have anyway? You could have thought this through, Evil Academic Scientists, and turned us into SuperPowered Beings (I dibs on the diamond forcefields), but no. You're taking the Easy Way Out.

I'm beginning to think you don't really want the global recognition for doing something intelligent and winning the Nobel Prize in Amoral Gene Manipulation.

That would mean you're just plain attention whores.

I am truly disappointed, USM Scientists.

I could have used some of those forcefields.

On another note...

Assuming being bonded to THIS fungi doesn't turn one into Smurfette, or cause hysterical blindness, one might actually turn into AYLAA SECURA. Which is really not such a bad thing, all things considered.

I for one would sign up for it.

If you do not know who AAYLA SECURA is...

Hi, I am AAYLA'SECURA. I am a Twi'Lek, aka the sexgoddesses of the StarWarsVerse. I am also the Hottest Jedi Ever. And my lightsaber matches my skintone. W00t.

A Military Operation

I was going to write a post railing at the injustice of the world.

Then I made the mistake of clicking on yahoo's movie gallery for G.I. Joe.

I tell you, YOU try not letting your eyes glaze over with lust at these images:

Duke (of what?)

Baroness (of what?)

Granted, I know nothing of G.I. Joe. It wasn't cool enough for me to watch when I was a kid (despite the fact that I unprejudicedly watched everything that came on) and movie studios regularly retcon well-loved characters into unrecognisable sexpots, so I'm thinking these pictures are merely a representation of a movie studio's fantasy of G.I. Joe, and nothing whatsoever to do with the geek reality of the actual cartoon.

Geeks, I feel you. I felt a great desire to defenestrate the person who brought The Spirit to the big screen (sorry Frank Miller).


But...that's CHANNING TATUM. With a SCAR.

And SIENNA MILLER. In a CORSET. And GLASSES.

Thank you Paramount, for screwing up and making my day a little better.



But I sure as hell ain't watching the actual movie thankyewverymuch.

I've Been Waiting All Night For You To Dance Like Me

Dengar sini kawan-kawan. Aku ingin memberitahu kepadamu pengalaman aku menonton ABDC.

Apakah itu ABDC? Ia bukan penulisan empat huruf pertama oleh orang dyslexic.

Ia adalah America's Best Dance Crew.

Iya.

Sebenarnya, apabila KATGIRL mula-mula memperkenalkan aku dan HEARTBREAKER kepada ABDC yang disimpan dengan bangganya dalam pendrive dari jauh nun sana kampus kejut, aku agak tidak percaya kehebatannya.

Sebab aku rasa SYTYCD lagi hebat. Anda tidak tahu apa itu SYTYCD? Inilah masanya untuk menggunakan Google search bar kat atas tu. Too bad kalau you all takde. Guna Google biasa je.

Anyway (anyway dalam bm tu ape? Walaubagaimanapun eh? Eww. Tak hot dowh), kami pun tengok kat laptop Heartbreaker.

KG kata crew lain semua membosankan, so dia bagi kami tengok Quest Crew.

Aku tahu kenapa KG buat macam tu. Dia nak pastikan yang we all takkan lari lepas tengok sekali. Dia nak pastikan yang kami sentiasa berada dalam situasi Pepsi.

You know.

Ask For More.

First time aku tengok Quest Crew, aku rasa comel gak. D-Trix tu boleh tahan, dan Steve memang hebat ar (aku maksudkan skil menari dieorg, bukan tahap ke-hot-an.Yang tu, aku akan ulaskan kemudian).

Kami tengok setiap episod, tapi hanya segmen Quest Crew. Sebenarnya aku rasa Beat Freaks hebat jugak. Rino tu hot.

And then in episode 7, Hirano tore his shirt off.

Holy Mother of Ganja.

Cukuplah aku kata yang kami menjadi penyokong setia Quest Crew.

Of course bukan hanya sebab kami mendapat gratituitious partial nudity yang kami menjadi penyokong. Itu hanya salah satu sebab.

Sebab lain adalah Ryan yang Cute (bukan Ryan Feng, yang tak Cute, tapi agak cute in a Nerdy Way).

Oh, dan kebolehan menari mereka yang memang hebat nak mampus.

Victor pun cute jugak.

Kab Se, Ha Kab Se Tu Lab Pe Ruki Hai.. Kab De

Today I spent one hour at McDonalds, waiting for a guy. Who didn't show up.
Why?
Because of Macromedia Flash OF COURSE bastardpieceofcrapsoftwarethatcrawledoutoftheassholeofhell.

See, I have to submit both my Flash assignments tomorrow (due to the circumstance that I didn't bother passing up my previous project on its deadline, having NOT DONE IT), and I was happily (yeahh right) macromedia-ing away until I hit a dead end.

My buttons couldn't link.

For those of you not in the know, buttons not linking in Flash is like..chemicals not reacting in an experiment. Forgetting the connecting verb (noun? whatever?) in a sentence. Losing a synapse.
Like that.
Basically, if I didn't fix it, I was screwed.

In utter panic, I called my coursemate at 1 am, and he agreed to help me the next day (which is today. Next time set an alarm!).
Of course I would have noticed this discrepancy earlier.
Had I bothered starting earlier.

So I cheerfully go to meet my saviour aka my class genius, only to have to wait. For an hour. AN HOUR. I was so bored I made a list of stuff I hate:

1. Waiting
2. Waiting
3. Waiting
4. Guys with mullets.

And I wrote a song:

Dear God I hate waiting

Like an animal for slaughter

Like the piglets in the barn

Before the bleating laughter

And please I cannot stand

These French Fries so divine

It's screwing up my diet

Where the hell is Kit?

Taa daa.

I also wrote three poems and a concept for a scene.

Talk about productive.
I did basically everything EXCEPT Flash.
After an hour, I called another friend and asked for her help.
With two lines she fixed my problem.
Over the phone.
While I was in McDonald's. Waiting for someone else.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK BINTURONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should have just called her in the first place.
Genius you Kit my ass...cannot even wake up before 12...cisssssssssssssssssssssssss.

And I'm using Jai Ho in my project.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

No Art To See

I was just thinking about the state of humanity today. How people can lie and cheat and swindle and manipulate without decent people even realising it. How something weird or bizarre or life-changing or life-threatening can just happen within the space of a few words. And all those people out there who don't have the natural defense of Lying and Evasion are basically screwed.

Not.

Actually I was thinking about Kat being hit on by a lesbian waitress at Nando's SEVERAL TIMES without her even realising it.
And after she did, she was too nice to ignore the girl. But I think she's just not capable of Lying and Evasion. At all.

So I think that the people who are really good at this kind of stuff should sit down and write a book about it, so that ALL of humanity has a fighting chance. And Kat will have the capability to avoid such...interludes.

The name of the book should of course be

LYING AND EVASION: A Guide To Being A Baseline Human

and have chapters like:

1. How To Lie

2. How To Lie Without That Obvious Silence Between The Question You Have Been Asked And The Lie You Are About To Tell

3. How To Evade Without Staring At Your Feet

4. How To Lie To Loved Ones Right To Their Face

5. How To Evade Without Lying

6. Body Language: The Anatomy Of A Lie And How To Look Good Doing It

7. How To Lie Unconvincingly So That You Sound Like You Are Reluctantly Telling The Truth

8. How To Spread Slander Guiltlessly

And so on and so forth.

The Stars Explode

Yesterday I watched Talentime with Heartbreaker and Katgirl.

I don't think I ever cried so much in one movie. And laughed.

Sepet was pretty cheesy, but Talentime was...not.

The script will break your heart. And so will the songs.

I am a sap, kind of, so I wept more than the other two.

Tapi gile puas hati nangis tengok movie ni. Seriously. One of the leads was a deaf-mute (with heartbreaker eyes) and he had some of the best lines in the movie. Like,

'I'm sorry that I can't speak.'

'I can teach you to speak in silence.'

'I will leave her if you ask me to, only, you have to help me to teach my heart to forget her. Because it doesn't know how to stop loving her.'

*sobsobfaaaaaaaarrrrrkksobsob*

Oh, and then there was that blasted song that kept dragging everyone to the edge of tears whenever it came on.

And it came on several times throughout the movie.

Tell me, can you really resist this:

don't go/I'll be lost without you by my side/lost and on my own/I'm falling for an angel

do you know/the stars explode and then they fade away/then they fade away

I'm sorry that I let you down/your eyes break my heart in two/my heart in two

- Angel by Atilia

*weepweepweepsnifflegoddamnthismoviesnifflesniffle*

Tapi...kenapa Pamela Chong? Why not that hottie from Kami ke ape?