Friday, April 15, 2011

The Juiciest Chicken Wings

As promised (to myself) I will review a book a week. The book I choose to review today, I actually read like weeks ago. So some details may not be clear and others may be wrong since a. I have a magnificiently bad memory and b. I'm very emotional about books.

So the book has nothing to do with chicken wings, I just feel like eating wings today. But the book IS called The Hunger Games, so maybe food is relevant.

I picked up The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins because I had downloaded Adobe Digital Editions and then got all excited and downloaded a bunch of books, many of which were the Wild Card books of George R R Martin. I mention this because, well, the Wild Card books are very much a guilty pleasure (although the recent ones are actually good and all of it deals with the usual superpowered-people issues - discrimination and lack of acceptance by people who don't want to accidentally have their arms chopped off by the friendly neighbourhood precocious kid).

And so I expected The Hunger Games, which have been generating a huge buzz due from its possible film due to its popularity, to be more or less like that - or even worse, like a sparkly, apocalyptic version of Twilight.

Luckily I was wrong on every count, and after the fifth page I almost cried because it had been so long since I have read a well written book where I do not know the author personally (Ahaha. I'm looking at you Neil. And Greg).

The Hunger Games is set - in North America, I think - in a post-apocalyptic world, where the populace is divided into numbered districts that cater to a specific economic area (eg District 7 does lumber, District 11 is agriculture). They are more or less ruled (or dictatored? tyrannised?opressed?) by the Capitol, who feeds off all of the Districts to fuel the decadent lifestyles of their residents. Just to remind everyone who the big shit is, the Capitol holds the annual Hunger Games, where two child participants from each district (there are 12) are thrown into an 'arena' to fight, scheme or manipulate others until all die except one.

Our protagonist, Katniss, is from District 12, the poorest of all districts. I liked the book because I liked Katniss. She wasn't particularly nice, she was kind of moronic at times, she did what she had to and I felt like she did a minimum amount of whining in comparison to other YA heroines.

So Katniss, through a sad twist of fate, ends up in the Hunger Games with Peeta Mellark, who I am kind of in love with. Because he is just that lovable. At first they are adversaries in teh ring, but due to a twist in the rules that allow two candidates from the same district to win (thanks somewhat to Peeta's brilliant PR manipulation), they end up working together.

Along the way, Katniss does several things that the Capitol percieves as rebellious. And they do not like rebels. They are the Big Shit, and they murder children for fun, so no one is allowed to have a difference of opinion lest they come and destroy your pet goat in the middle of the night. And she eventually realises that she has become something of a rebel symbol because of her knack of doing things in ways that the Capitol would not expect.


GOATS BEWARE


The Hunger Games are like the hugest deal each year in the Capitol, so there are a lot of people around to ensure there are no fuckups. Which means everyone should die, and in the most dranatic way if possible. Throughout their stint in the arena, the Tributes have cameras following them constantly. And this is how the people's reaction to Peeta and Katniss is manipulated, to the point that in the end, the Capitol has to rescind its order to allow both tributes from a single district to live - because the dynamic duo have become too dangerous.


wtf.


Blah blah. I liked the book because it engaged my feelings - I felt for Peeta, and Katniss and even that other guy whose name I can't recall. I didn't cry reading this or any of the other HG books, despite avowals by other readers that only people with hearts of grotty ceramic will not collapse in a storm of tears at this or this page. But I was moved, and I felt an urgency despite knowing that there are 2 other books to this. There were even CONSEQUENCES! I always feel like the book is a sham the moment the characters never have to deal with consequences. I was worried if Peeta and Katniss would survive (preferably Peeta), and I could believe that the HG could be used as a device for the rebellion forces.

The book isn't perfect of course. Katniss, despite being an all around female dick, turns out to have a voice that silences the birds. Fortunately this only comes out once or twice, and maybe I'm just cynical about heroines who have that one great talent that blows everyone out of the water - especially prissy stuff like singing, or painting, or being irresistable to everyone (is that even a talent?). And also, Peeta keeps saying 'You don't understand the effect you have on people,". I'm like WHAT EFFECT?? That of an (understandably) unhappy, disagreeable teenage girl? It's also never explained and gets irritating in the later books. But that's all, I think.

Maybe I am still in shock that this book exceeded my expectations of a regular, cliche I Am Number Four type of novel and even dealt with some pretty gory stuff, but I would totally recommend this book. It was well written, with interesting characters and CONSEQUENCES (yay).

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

True Love

Seth once again attempting to give me directions:


Seth says:
this is frm pelangi damansara to lobsterman PJ. rem tht restaurant?

_false_ says:
lobsterman sells lobsters!

Seth says:
obviously....

_false_ says (defensively):
i didnt know okay

Seth says:
the tien pin is just down the road from lobsterman

_false_ says:
i thought it was just some fancy seafood place

Seth says:
the name is LOBSTERMAN

_false_ says:
it's funny what! could have been a novelty name!

Seth says (in disbelief):
how much more obvious do you want it to be

_false_ says:
(_I_) *fart*

Seth says:
lies. girls dont fart

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Abject Misery of Soullessness

We try to stop feeling hurt.
But in the end we just stop feeling.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I Am Completely Unimpressed


This is a review of I Am Number Four, the teen alien book that for some reason has been made into a movie that I may or may not watch.

First off, there are two reason's why I read it. Seth had it lying around, and I had a Wiki-adventure (one of those things that occur when you click on one thing which brings you to another and then so on to something else entirely) which led me to James Frey's page (the guy who co-authored the book. Also the guy who wrote A Million Litte Pieces, Oprah's favourite book for a shile) and these links:

Now that the guy was established as a prick, OF COURSE I was curious about how he would go from serious "memoir" writing to what is basically teenage crap. I mean. You'd think someone like that would think too highly of himself to write adolescent drivel.

Of course I was all prejudiced when I read the book. I was expecting something better than your regular Twilight photocopy. Well, it failed; but fortunately in failing, it has given me something to bitch about.

This book, in my personal opinion, is a waste of time. It sounds so generic, so factory-churned out I felt guilty that I helped buy a book that allowed the 50% per cent discount that convinced Seth to pick it up for fun.

It felt a bit like I gave someone the shoe that kicked a puppy. There are...I think four main characters. None of them have any personality or character. What they have is defining traits. Eg, Sam wears his father's glasses, and is a nerd. What are the things he cares about? What are his fears? He has nothing to him except what is necessary to advance the plot. And this is true for all the characters. All. Of. Them. I use the same test Plinkett uses for The Phantom Menace (see here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI).

Characterisation is even more important in storybooks, where you can't see this person and they can't be defined by how they look - only how you imagine they look. Saying 'She was a caring person' isn't the same as writing out an action that shows how caring she is. It's hard to imagine.

TLDR: The characters lack character.

It uses a tired old storyline. Absolutely nothing new. Basically Four and his Giles moves to a new town (they are constantly on the move from the Bad Aliens hunting them down), falls in love, gets superpowers, insists on staying because he's in love when the Bad Aliens find him and his Watcher...I meant Keeper. Guardian? He stays and fights, and like a dipshit, realises he made the wrong decision after his Giles, Henri, dies.

I hate storylines like that because they assume two things:

1. That you, the reader, would believe that this boy, one of only nine of his kind, would put the safety of his Guardian, himself AND the continued existence of his race to get some blonde nooky. And you know what's worst? That AFTER HENRI DIES, THE LITTLE DBAG DECIDES IT IS SAFER TO LEAVE AFTER ALL. W.T.F.

Don't you hate characters like that? They don't make any sense, and when they finally do, you are so incredulous you want to kick them in the face.

2. That you, the reader, are so used to the absolute garbage that is written for teenagers these days that you would not feel insulted that the amount of thought and caring put into this writing and presented to you is this much: A Duck's Fart.

This book is equivalent to going to a restauraunt you heard has a pretty good but controversial chef, ordering their most popular dish and being served KFC. Only blander and with no crunch.

Like this, but not Epic.

Also, not like this, sadly.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jellybinion

Jellybinion

(jl-bnyn)

1. Edible minions that come in a variety of flavours and colours.



+



=
Jellybinion!



FAQ

What are Jellybinions for?

Jellybinions fulfil the two basic needs of society - that of food and to have an army of servile creatures to carry out your every whim.

Who are Jellybinions for?

Jellybinions would be an excellent accessory for supervillains, superheroes, people with god complexes, countries without a standing army and busy working mums.

What do Jellybinions do, exactly?

Whatever you want them to! Jellybinions can be programmed to a motherbrain, whose thought processes would be simulated and used as those of the Jellybinions. You can hook them up to yourself - or even someone else, to make sure your minions don't do the exact same stupid mistakes that you do.
Don't worry, whatever you do to your minions will not affect the motherbrain, as it is merely a simulated thought process.

So what can I do with them?

They can carry out a myriad of simple tasks, as well as more complex ones depending on the motherbrain. They can sing you to sleep, translate documents and march as your army of doom, all in a day! And if that isn't value for money, when you need snack, just grab one and munch away!*

*Don't worry, they are not sentient and therefore will feel neither pain or betrayal as you chomp away. Think of them as merely dog-sized snacks that have organisational capabilities.

Sounds cool. What flavours do these little critters come in?

We have literally a gazillion flavours - and we'd be happy to custom-make some for you as well! Someof our best sellers are Butterscotch, Peanut Butter, Bacon Bits, Steak and Cheese, and Sour Apple.

Won't Steak and Cheese look like poo?

Ahahaha! You would think so, but we have fortunately circumvented the unappetising colours by putting large amounts of food colouring into the Jellybinion's basic recipe. Some may even say that is the reason they have become animated. Haha.
If you are curious, Steak and Cheese are in fact the colour of a blonde unicorn - creamy white and bright yellow. Yums!

So they were created by accident?

That's all the time we have today for FAQs! Feel free to order your own batch of Jellybinions - they come in sets of 24, each flavour sold separately.

What? Hey, what's the texture like when you bite into them? Wait a second...do they have consciousness? How else would they know what to do? Are they capable of their own thought without the motherbrain? Are you purposely suppresing their innate abilities to make puppy-sized chew toys for humans?

Oi! Hey! Hello? Imma tell Hermione about this.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Samurai Santa and the December Dragon

Although I should be doing work right now, I felt I needed to write this down first.
I have come up with an awesome Santa myth for my future children.
Instead of some chubby dude in a sleigh on Christmas Eve, we'll have a Warrior Santa who rides in on a DRAGON on the 1st of December, bearing the first gift of the season.

Our children will be brought outside to witness Samurai Santa place the first gift under the Christmas tree, and then they will kneel and offer trays of...offerings to the warrior before he leaves (I haven't really thought it through, but I'm going with 'through the front door'). Then he'll get on his dragon and ride off into the night, but the kids can't see this part because if they catch a glimpse of the dragon they'll go blind and their goldfish will die.

Occasionally if Warrior Santa can't get out of the office in time, Ninja Santarina on her flying Pegacow will help out with the presents.

Imagine this:

Other child: So did Santa bring you lots of presents?

My Son: What are you talking about? He only brings the first present. Your parents give the rest.

Other child: Cries.

Other other child: That's not true! Santa comes to our sweltering tropical country on a sleigh powered by reindeers and drops off our presents on the night before Christmas!

My Son: Santa rides a Dragon, you nitwit. Haven't you seen him before??

Other other child: Have you?

My Son: Yeah. Yeah, I've seen Santa.