This is a review of I Am Number Four, the teen alien book that for some reason has been made into a mov
ie that I may or may not watch.
First off, there are two reason's why I read it. Seth had it lying around, and I had a Wiki-adventure (one of those things that occur when you click on one thing which brings you to another and then so on to something else entirely) which led me to James Frey's page (the guy who co-authored the book. Also the guy who wrote A Million Litte Pieces, Oprah's favourite book for a shile) and these links:
Now that the guy was established as a prick, OF COURSE I was curious about how he would go from serious "memoir" writing to what is basically teenage crap. I mean. You'd think someone like that would think too highly of himself to write adolescent drivel.
Of course I was all prejudiced when I read the book. I was expecting something better than your regular Twilight photocopy. Well, it failed; but fortunately in failing, it has given me something to bitch about.
This book, in my personal opinion, is a waste of time. It sounds so generic, so factory-churned out I felt guilty that I helped buy a book that allowed the 50% per cent discount that convinced Seth to pick it up for fun.
It felt a bit like I gave someone the shoe that kicked a puppy. There are...I think four main characters. None of them have any personality or character. What they have is defining traits. Eg, Sam wears his father's glasses, and is a nerd. What are the things he cares about? What are his fears? He has nothing to him except what is necessary to advance the plot. And this is true for all the characters. All. Of. Them. I use the same test Plinkett uses for The Phantom Menace (see here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI).
Characterisation is even more important in storybooks, where you can't see this person and they can't be defined by how they look - only how you imagine they look. Saying 'She was a caring person' isn't the same as writing out an action that shows how caring she is. It's hard to imagine.
TLDR: The characters lack character.
It uses a tired old storyline. Absolutely nothing new. Basically Four and his Giles moves to a new town (they are constantly on the move from the Bad Aliens hunting them down), falls in love, gets superpowers, insists on staying because he's in love when the Bad Aliens find him and his Watcher...I meant Keeper. Guardian? He stays and fights, and like a dipshit, realises he made the wrong decision after his Giles, Henri, dies.
I hate storylines like that because they assume two things:
1. That you, the reader, would believe that this boy, one of only nine of his kind, would put the safety of his Guardian, himself AND the continued existence of his race to get some blonde nooky. And you know what's worst? That AFTER HENRI DIES, THE LITTLE DBAG DECIDES IT IS SAFER TO LEAVE AFTER ALL. W.T.F.
Don't you hate characters like that? They don't make any sense, and when they finally do, you are so incredulous you want to kick them in the face.
2. That you, the reader, are so used to the absolute garbage that is written for teenagers these days that you would not feel insulted that the amount of thought and caring put into this writing and presented to you is this much: A Duck's Fart.
This book is equivalent to going to a restauraunt you heard has a pretty good but controversial chef, ordering their most popular dish and being served KFC. Only blander and with no crunch.
Like this, but not Epic.
Also, not like this, sadly.
