Jellybinion

Jellybinion

(jl-bnyn)

1. Edible minions that come in a variety of flavours and colours.

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Jellybinion!

FAQ

What are Jellybinions for?

Jellybinions fulfil the two basic needs of society - that of food and to have an army of servile creatures to carry out your every whim.

Who are Jellybinions for?

Jellybinions would be an excellent accessory for supervillains, superheroes, people with god complexes, countries without a standing army and busy working mums.

What do Jellybinions do, exactly?

Whatever you want them to! Jellybinions can be programmed to a motherbrain, whose thought processes would be simulated and used as those of the Jellybinions. You can hook them up to yourself - or even someone else, to make sure your minions don't do the exact same stupid mistakes that you do.
Don't worry, whatever you do to your minions will not affect the motherbrain, as it is merely a simulated thought process.

So what can I do with them?

They can carry out a myriad of simple tasks, as well as more complex ones depending on the motherbrain. They can sing you to sleep, translate documents and march as your army of doom, all in a day! And if that isn't value for money, when you need snack, just grab one and munch away!*

*Don't worry, they are not sentient and therefore will feel neither pain or betrayal as you chomp away. Think of them as merely dog-sized snacks that have organisational capabilities.

Sounds cool. What flavours do these little critters come in?

We have literally a gazillion flavours - and we'd be happy to custom-make some for you as well! Someof our best sellers are Butterscotch, Peanut Butter, Bacon Bits, Steak and Cheese, and Sour Apple.

Won't Steak and Cheese look like poo?

Ahahaha! You would think so, but we have fortunately circumvented the unappetising colours by putting large amounts of food colouring into the Jellybinion's basic recipe. Some may even say that is the reason they have become animated. Haha.
If you are curious, Steak and Cheese are in fact the colour of a blonde unicorn - creamy white and bright yellow. Yums!

So they were created by accident?

That's all the time we have today for FAQs! Feel free to order your own batch of Jellybinions - they come in sets of 24, each flavour sold separately.

What? Hey, what's the texture like when you bite into them? Wait a second...do they have consciousness? How else would they know what to do? Are they capable of their own thought without the motherbrain? Are you purposely suppresing their innate abilities to make puppy-sized chew toys for humans?

Oi! Hey! Hello? Imma tell Hermione about this.

Samurai Santa and the December Dragon

Although I should be doing work right now, I felt I needed to write this down first.
I have come up with an awesome Santa myth for my future children.
Instead of some chubby dude in a sleigh on Christmas Eve, we'll have a Warrior Santa who rides in on a DRAGON on the 1st of December, bearing the first gift of the season.

Our children will be brought outside to witness Samurai Santa place the first gift under the Christmas tree, and then they will kneel and offer trays of...offerings to the warrior before he leaves (I haven't really thought it through, but I'm going with 'through the front door'). Then he'll get on his dragon and ride off into the night, but the kids can't see this part because if they catch a glimpse of the dragon they'll go blind and their goldfish will die.

Occasionally if Warrior Santa can't get out of the office in time, Ninja Santarina on her flying Pegacow will help out with the presents.

Imagine this:

Other child: So did Santa bring you lots of presents?

My Son: What are you talking about? He only brings the first present. Your parents give the rest.

Other child: Cries.

Other other child: That's not true! Santa comes to our sweltering tropical country on a sleigh powered by reindeers and drops off our presents on the night before Christmas!

My Son: Santa rides a Dragon, you nitwit. Haven't you seen him before??

Other other child: Have you?

My Son: Yeah. Yeah, I've seen Santa.

More of Note to Myself in the Future if I Once Again End Up With a Vaderlike Animal

I'm sure everyone is curious about what happened to my super-adorable bunnies Obi Wan (Ben) Kenobi and Darth Vader (I'm also pretty sure whoever reads this blog - all four of you - already know, but I'm using that line for the story's sake).

Ben is fat and Vader is crippled. They also have new nicknames: Chickenshit and EmoBunny.

I wanted to upload pics of happier times, but by the time I took the photos from Seth's laptop, Vader's condition had deteriorated so much that putting up the pics would have been false advertising.

Vader is an unfortunate victim of Swimmer's Syndrome/Splaylegs (and also useless breeders who inbreed bunnies and cause this horrible genetic problem. Bunch of twats). It affects both his back legs so that instead of curling up beneath him, they splay out.

At first Seth and I were just sad that we had a disabled critter, because he couldn't hop around and be happy like he used to be. He got depressed and moody (although not as useless and cowardly as Ben), but he seemed otherwise okay. I mean aside from the fact that he couldn't walk properly. Or clean himself. Or hop. Basically, no rabbitlike things.

But we thought we'd only have to deal with his emotional issues - as long as I kept the cage clean and just let him be, he'd be fine. Little did we know that taking no steps to alleviate his fall to the dark side would cause the uprising of the greatest evil this galaxy has ever known.

Just kidding (but I blame YOU, Natalie Portman). We soon realised that keeping a crippled bunny wasn't just a matter of being compassionate enough not to put him down or dump him when we flipped him over one day and found the fur around his butt and leg had matted together, and in some places, worn off to the skin.

The first few days, we were pretty gung ho about it, cleaning him up ourselves, making sure he didn't have poop stuck on him (which is really gross when you come to think of it, but rabbit poo is the most hygienic animal poo I have ever seen and would recommend getting a bunny just based on that). And then one day I was cleaning him while Seth was holding him and then we realised that his lower body was deformed.

I know you're thinking Duh, of course it's deformed. It's a bloody cacat rabbit isn't it?? And that would be right. But we thought it was just the legs, whereas the whole tail and lower body section had just sort of caved in into itself because the shape of the legs and hips weren't in its normal positions. And the more I looked at it, the more it freaked me out.

We were convinced his lower half would become infected by the dirt and gunk he couldn't (and we couldn't either) consistently clean off himself, and then we'd have a half-rotted bunny dragging himself around by his front paws to deal with.

DO YOU SEE THAT IN YOUR MIND'S EYE???? I ALMOST HAD A ZOMBIEFIED BUNNY!!

We then got scared and carted Vader off to the doctor's for the hundredth time (I think he recognises us). Thankfully we didn't have to do away with our little (potential) zombunny. We just had to put him in a cage with no bedding (replace it with rubber bathroom mat thingies), and bathe him twice a week.

For the next 4 to 8 years.

I suggested immediate stew, but no one wanted it on account of the pus. But having to give him bunny baths twice a week is a lot better, I think, than having to put down that sweet little rabbit (looks evilly at Chickenshit).

Throughout the whole ordeal, we ignored Ben. He didn't care, because unlike Vader, he has no personality (unless chickenshit is a personality).