The Insatiable

This is not a werecollie

Today was the first day of classes.
Or at least it would have been had I gone to all my classes.
I did go to one, so I am not a complete slacker.
And I probably would have gone to all had I not spent the whole night watching True Blood.
And then slacked class to watch the rest of the episodes.
Tsk tsk tsk. Bloody addict.

True Blood is basically vampire porn. No, wait, it's just porn. Masquerading as a vampire mystery series. Seriously. All the stuff that Twilight was missing...it's right here. But it's still interesting. Luckily they haven't solved the mystery yet. I bet it's the coroner. And I bet Sam is a werewolf. or a were...collie. Hah!

And I don't understand AT ALL why Sookie (I know. Like, wth kind of name, right?) would prefer Bill the Weird Vampire over Sam, the Adorable Bartender. Oh, because otherwise there would be no story. Yeah. Oops.

But come on. Some dude who sleeps in the dirt, drinks blood...yadda yadda, you know the drill and let's not waste time talking about the vampire vs a really cute guy who is in love with her since forever and has adorable curly hair and the cutest nose. And a cute butt too.



Obviously no one is watching this for the snide intellectual repartee and depth of characters.
That's what we have House for.

*



That was yesterdays post, which I did not succeed in posting because Dazz (formerly Magnet Girl) burst into the room and insisted on watching vampire porn with me.
Nah, just kidding.
That only happened after I tried to convince my best friend, NobleLilyFlower, that she was an unstoppable shopaholic.
I mean, seriously, some people are in denial.


Heh heh heh.

Happy New Year.
*

The Darling Tide

I was searching the net for images of sand saref when I went to IMDB and discovered this nugget:

Jack Foley: It's like seeing someone for the first time, and you look at each other for a few seconds, and there's this kind of recognition like you both know something. Next moment the person's gone, and it's too late to do anything about it.

It's from the movie Out of Sight with George Clooney and JLo.

It also has this brilliant quote:

"Oh, man, if I wasn't stoned there is no way you would have talked me into this! "

*

I have also discovered the excellent Jonatha Brookes. Yeah, that's her real name. I bet her parents wanted a boy too. She sang I'll Try from Peter Pan 2 which I figured nobody watched.

So anyway, she also sang There's More True Lovers Than One.

Isn't that a cool title?

Cool right?

But it doesn't beat Who's Got the Crack by The Moldy Peaches.

*

I wanted to watch Australia next since I've watched The Spirit. But the reviews have been so bad, I think I'll skip it. Maybe.

So the next movie would be...............................Underworld???????????????????????????

Urgh.

Think I'll stay in my decrepit hostel room til Coraline comes out.

On Your Knees Then

Apa nak buat...nama Sand Saref sangat cool

My roommate finally came back. Yay. I am no longer alone and listless and now have a reason to live. Etc etc cue violin music.

See, I have been very lonely. Sheena, Queen of the Jungle went to Ireland. Magnet Girl hasn't come back. Kat has gone off for some family holiday on some godforsaken island far away (okay. she actually went to Sipadan). And then my Bastion of Goodwill (my roommatelah) went off to Perlis. Like wth. Leaving me alone. And bored.

Alone is not so bad.
Bored is bad. Bored is just so boring. The more you run from it, the more it chases you. It's a Bloody Phantasm.

Anyway, now that I am un-bored, I decided to give all my friends weird nicknames. Like the abovementioned. So basically Trin will be Sheena, Iylia will be Magnet Girl, Kat will be Kat and roommate will be Bastion (no connection to the evil Marvel character).
Until I get bored with it.
And start naming people after smurfs.

I finally watched The Spirit today. Yay. One down. A dozen more to go.
It was kind of weird actually. I mean, I've never read any of the comics, so I didn't know what to expect. So I based my expectations on the previews. And ads.

So OBVIOUSLY I thought the movie was about five hot chicks and a guy named The Spirit.
Have you seen the posters? It has Eva Mendes in a skintight suit. It has Jaime King floating around. It has Scarlett Johanssen and her vaguely porno-librarian appeal. Like wth. Talk about false advertising.

The movie was weird. And the weirdest thing about the movie were the women. See

1. Sand Saref

Hot girl skateboarder grows up to be hot woman jewel thief. Who signs crime scenes by photostating her ass. Also marries many guys and kills them all. Or they just happen to die from being married to her, I don't know.

2. Silken Floss

Extremely irritating sidekick to an extremely irritating villain. And yet. It IS Scarlett after all. And she has the best wardrobe.

3. Lorelei Rox

I have no idea who she is or what her purpose is in this movie except to give us some mysterious subtext on Spirit's immortality. The subtext is lost on me.

4. Morgenstern

Irritating rookie cop with nice legs. And big guns.

5. Plaster of Paris

Bellydancing French psychopathic weirdo.

I couldn't understand how you could have so many good looking women in one place and yet have a movie with almost zero sex appeal. In my opinion, they should have just let Gabriel Macht walk around shirtless.

Not as bad as Max Payne, but nowhere as cool as Sin City.
But then SC had like a dozen hot chicks and Clive Owen.

*

Prologue

Atau

Apa Yang Berlaku Selepas Itu

Lepas tu Bastion bawak balik nasi lemak dari Perlis.
Gile bapak sedap.
Aku pun makan setengah, walaupun aku dah makan.
Lepas tu aku menanya diri aku, kenapalah aku makan lagi sedangkan aku dah makan dan sepatutnya berdiet?
Aku tidak dapat menjawab pertanyaan aku (tidak seperti biase, di mana aku boleh menghabiskan pergaulan yang lengkap dengan diri sendiri), maka aku bertekad untuk tidak mengendahkan soalan itu.

Apa nak buat.

Sambal dah kat dalam perut...

A Word In Spanish

The pillar of Christmas

I once took a Spanish course in uni.

It only lasted a couple of months, (thanks to my 3D lecturer who decided to change her schedule and caused me to have to pay a RM 50 dropping-subject fine. Which still makes me sore because I hate 3D) and all I learned was that some things are male and some are female. Most stuff are female. And they have a couple more alphabets than the romans do. They also gave everyone a Spanish name. Like Alejandro and Rosalinda. Very 3-5pm latin soap opera.

Which I would have nothing of.
I took the name Pilar.

Yes.

It does mean pillar.

In defense, it's supposed to mean pillar of God. But I only chose it cause it sounded cool, and you wouldn't hear people going 'Pilar! Mataste a mi familia y mi premio burro! Now you will die!

Which alleviated me above the crass commercialism of Raquel and Juanita (or so I like to think, because in actuality I came late for that class and the only names left were Paulina, Rosalina and Pilar. I mean, come on).

Anyway, this semester, I am taking Mandarin. To make myself more marketable in the face of graduating into a global recession. Nothing like desperation to make you a more worldly person. Everyone told me to learn mandarin. And then my (Indian Extremist) uncle jumped in and said I should learn Hindi.

Eh?

Why in God's name would I want to be more hirable in INDIA? When I can earn way more and at the same time not suffer chronic digestive illnesses in SINGAPORE?

Or, of course, KL.

Anyway, I very kindly made no comment to that. But it got me thinking. About languages. And history. And (in the Christmas spirit) God.

Wouldn't it be cool if we were born already knowing the language of our forefathers? And the history of our people? Like, we'd have everything naturally downloaded into our brains while we float around in amniotic bliss.
Man, I would have hit paydirt. Half a dozen languages. Whoa. I would have had such a bright future as a UN translator.

We'd be pre-born. Like Alia in Dune. Except without a dominant psychopathic personality. We'd be like Ganima and Leto II. But not really. We'd just download all the history of our people instead of only our ancestors.
We'd have a complete understanding of history. So we wouldn't let it recur. See. That is such a brilliant concept for humanity.

But nooo. What do we get instead?
Original sin.
Which begets Catholic Guilt.
Which gets people like me to church on Christmas.

So Merry Christmas everyone.

Don't Shoot Me Santa

Bugger Schroedinger

I intended to write about something that had been bugging me for awhile. It's about a cat. Schroedinger's Cat.

It's a theory about a cat in a box with poison set to go off at a certain time (something like that lah). And since they are no external observers, the cat is thought to exist as both dead and alive.

At first I thought it was pretty interesting.

Then I read up about it. Apparently even Einstein backed this theory.

Whoa, I thought. And then it got me off on deep thoughts on states of matter and existence and all that stuff. Also they were using words like quantum decoherence and hydrocyanic acid.

Cool or what right?

Then I really thought about the practical application of this experiment.

Then I realised that either

A) Einstein and the rest of these super-intellectuals are serious bozos

or

B) I had completely misunderstood the point of the experiment.

because to me, obviously, THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THE CAT IS IN A STATE OF DEAD/ALIVE/ZOMBIFIED. Like what the hell.

Like no matter how intellectual you want to seem, coming up with a theory that says a cat MAY exist in a state of neither-here-nor-there just because no one is there to see it does not in the least make it possible or you look any smarter.

Say you walk in a dangerous jungle full of poisonous snakes and rotting trees. You are alone. You may get bitten by a snake, eaten by an unknown hungry animal or, if you really have crappy luck, have a decrepit tree fall on your head. OR you may not. Do you then walk around half dead/half alive? So if no one is looking, all of a sudden are you zapped into a semi-human state?

Anyway, I then realised it's explaining something to do with quantum mechanics. Of which I know nothing of. Absolutely nothing. So I also realised that the experiment had nothing to do with practical application, because (I hope to God) Einstein and Schroedinger could not possibly be that full of themselves. Which meant I didn't understand anything about The Cat. The words they used started to scare me. For example, quantum mechanics. Superposition. Thermodynamically irreversible. Wave function collapse.

I felt like I was reading the script for star trek or something. Except this was actual stuff that people study.

Boy do I feel sorry for those people.

Why Do You Build Me Up, Buttercup?

I used to have a hamster, named Buttercup.

He was the nicest, softest, stupidest hamster who ever lived.

I used to hate hamsters.

They always bit me when I used to stick my fingers in the cage and try to forcefully pet them. I mean, talk about ingratitude. And also, the threat of rabies.

Freakin rodents.

But Buttercup changed the way I looked at them.

His friend and cagemate, Dr. Evil Brownie Varkoff (or something like that; my brother named him), did not help at all in mending human-hamster relations.

He bit EVERYTHING, including the cage and the water bottle, until the cat clawed out one of his eyes.

After that he only bit stuff he could see with his left eye.

Anyway.

What I am trying to say is, just because you used to hate something, doesn't mean you will hate it forever. All it takes is the right something to change your mind.

So ends my sermon for the day.

If I do this everyday for a week, I might be able to claw my way back into heaven's good graces.

Not.



*

Guess what. I have a friend who should be on I Have a Famous Face!

See:

Okay, just pretend the other three girls are not in the picture...I know it's hard...but try anyway...focus on the smallest target.

See! Doesn't Kat look like Jessica Alba?

Now I can get Kat to do all kinds of things and pretend she is Jessica Alba and sell the pictures to the paparazzi and live happily off the ill-gotten gains.

Mwahaha.

Mwahahaha.

Awright! Now I don't need to get a job after I graduate!

*

Everyone. There is a movie you must all go and watch that is coming out in 2009.

No, it is not Watchmen.

It is not Star Trek.

It is not X-Men Origins: Wolverine...OH MY GOD, I just found out Emma Frost, Gambit and Deadpool are gonna be in the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, who's playing Emma Frost? I bet it's some ditzy blonde. Man, she is so going to screw up the role. If they cast Leslie Bibb, I am so gonna...write a nasty letter to Stan Lee. Everyone knows Frost was originally a brunette anyway. So they should get Drusilla to play her. Heh heh heh.

WOW they're making a Sherlock Holmes movie! With Robert Downey jr! This is unbelievable. It has Jude Law in it too.

Be still my beating heart.

As much as I love Holmes and Mr. Ironman, separately, I cannot see them together. I mean, come on. If Holmes had looked anything like Downey jr, would he have become a dissipated opium-head? Oh wait. Downey jr looks like Downey jr, and he still became a dissipated drug addict alcohoholic womaniser.

Hey, they're making Dorian Gray too. With Ben Barnes. The gay dude from Caspian. Yeah, I can see this one working out real well.

Anyway. Er. Yeah.

The movie everyone should watch in 2009 is

Disney's The Princess and the Frog.

No, really.

Why?

Hey, I'm a girl. I love Disney princesses. There hasn't been a Disney 2D movie in ages.

This one's a musical AND set in pre-utter-annihilation New Orleans.

And the princess isn't blonde.

The Trials of Heracles

Oh, how I cringe at my Sappiness Attack of yesterday.

I will never write just after watching a sappy, feelgood romance.

Obviously all that happy stuff isn't real! Nope. The movie for the realists is Dangerous Liaisons.

Because illusions are by their nature sweet.

And everyone dies in the end.

Also, it has Keanu Reeves.

Anyway. I made pancakes today. The pancakes made me realise how out of touch with reality I had become.

No, seriously.

This is what happened

1. I make batter, then realise I forgot to put in eggs.

The ingredients for pancake is milk, sugar, flour. And eggs.

How did I forget one ingredient out of a four ingredient recipe?

I. Don't. Know.

2. I put in eggs.

The batter starts to resemble rubber sap.

I make a pancake.

The taste resembles rubber sap.

I add more milk.

The pancake resembles baby puke.

I call my mother.

3. What's wrong sweetheart?

Ma! I can't make pancakes!

Okay.

I can always make pancakes! I've been making pancakes forever!

Yes sweetie. But actually, you haven't. You always try. And then you get into a murderous rage. And then I come.

What, and save the day? I don't remember any of this. I remember making pancakes. By myself.

Okay. What's wrong?

I tell her what's wrong.

She tells me what to do.

4. I add more sugar.

It tastes like rubber sap + sugar.

I add more flour.

The whisk stands up.

The pancake sticks to the non-stick pan.

I call my mother.

5. Ma! It's not working!

Honey. Have some patience. You have no patience.

I have patience! I'm here aren't I? Being patient. With the pancakes.

Okay.

I'm losing it. First I find I can't debate, now I can't even make pancakes??!!

...Sweetie, are you talking loudly and waking everyone up?

(See, I love my Mum. She just ignores my inner turmoil).

6. I add more milk. More flour. More sugar.

And cooking oil.

The pancake doesn't stick to the pan.

It doesn't taste like rubber sap.

It doesn't exactly taste like pancake either.

But who cares.

I call my mother to tell her how much I love her and blame her for my inability to make pancakes.

I go back to sleep.

See? That is real life.

But really, I have no idea how I forgot to make pancakes. It's PANCAKES for crying out loud.

The cause of ruination of my pancakes (I have to blame somebody)

More Than Anyone

This is Anakin Skywalker

I just watched Penelope, and once again proved that I am a sap.
I knew that I wasn't jaded! I knew it. It was just that twilight was a lame, cheesy movie.
It wasn't because my heart is cold and dead in my chest.

Anyway. I've never thought James McAvoy was in any way hot or attractive. Especially compared to Hugh Dancy. Or Jim Sturgess.
But after watching the movie...I want my own Johnny Martin!
I want a floppy haired, goodhearted, piano playing former gambler!
I'm serious.
I want someone who'll love me without ever even thinking about my pig snout. And I want him to not stop loving me even though I almost marry someone else, even though I haven't seen him for months, even though even though even though..
And I want him to just sit there in his crappy sublet and wait for me and never push, or force, or act selfishly, because I would come.
Because if he's The One, and I'm The One, I'll know it. I mean, I would. I would know it.

But I'm not saying James McAvoy is The One.
Duh.
Maybe Hugh Dancy kot.

Stained Glass Angels

Vampires/ Krakens/ Debaters

Well. I finally watched twilight. And I was burning with anticipation to rip it apart here but now my mood is sunk. Like the titanic. Except no one's going to make an award-winning movie out of it.

So. All I'm going to do is make a list of how the Cullens rate on the gay-dar.

4. Emmet
3. Edward
2. Jasper
1. Carlisle

Edward and Jasper almost tied, because I actually prefer Jasper's look of constant constipation compared to Edward's, but Ed was saved when he rolled up his shirtsleeves.
That is cute.

Aside from the overwhelming clicheness and inability to converse by the main characters, there is one serious problem with twilight.


It's popularity.

See, the book series is so popular, the casting director thinks she can get away with casting ho-hum looking vampires and lovers with non-existant chemistry, and get away with it because a zillion pimply, naive adolescent girls are going to buy a zillion tickets anyway.

It's so popular, the director thinks he can get away with an hour of spectacularly un-interesting vampire-human romance and another hour of spectacularly un-attention grabbing action scenes, because of the abovementioned reason.

It's so popular, the scriptwriter thinks he can get away with lines like:

1. I had an adrenaline rush. It happens all the time. You can Google it.
2. I can't be without you.
3. Hold tight spidermonkey.
4. I want to be with you forever.
5. So. Finally, the lion falls for the lamb.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WTH SPIDERMONKEY?????????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.
The cheesiness makes my brain want to explode.
And the scriptwriter knows that either

a) these lines come from the book and fans want to hear it no matter how ridiculous it sounds out loud
b) these lines come from the mouths of characters whose fans don't care what they say so long as they speak

and then these same fans go around quoting these lines.
Actually quoting them.
To other members of the human race.
Like a disease.

Okay, okay.
Ally and I decided there was one salvageable line

You're my own personal stash of heroin (or something like that).

We predict this to be the pickup line of choice for underage guys for the next couple of months.
Now, if the whole movie had run along the lines of heroin, and drugs, and violence then it would be an acceptable vampire movie. Yes. Perpetuate the myth.
Since Eddie likes to go around claiming he is the greatest predator of all time despite sparkling (serious. he sparkles. that is so not-vampire like. shame) in the sunlight, they should have shown them feeding and drinking and shooting up.
Otherwise, what's the big deal about Bella falling in love with a vampire? So he shines. So he lives forever. He's just a normal guy with no problems.

B-o-r-i-n-g.

To make up for the rehashed lines in twilight, here are a few of the more thoughtful quotes from less...boring movies:


5. I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy, asking him to love her. - Notting Hill

4. And it's not that I want to have you, it's that I want to deserve you. - Dangerous Liaisons

3. Why is it that we only feel compelled to chase the ones that run away? Immaturity?. - Dangerous Liaisons

2. Then let's say God puts two people on Earth and they are lucky enough to find one another. But one of them gets hit by lightning. Well then what? Is that it? Or, perchance, you meet someone new and marry all over again. Is that the lady you're supposed to be with or was it the first? And if so, when the two of them were walking side by side were they both the one for you and you just happened to meet the first one first or, was the second one supposed to be first? And is everything just chance or are some things meant to be? - Ever After

1. Blahh! I am a Kraken from the sea! - Juno.